When Life Isn’t Funny
I’ve been through enough shit in my life that I’m fairly decent at finding the humor in just about anything. If there is no humor to be found, I can hang. I’m good at hanging; hanging on.
I’m pretty decent at handling life’s ups and downs.
When your life has sat on the line, everything you loved and worked for just out of reach, with no control over which direction the scale tilted, you build this indescribable tenacity and resiliency towards life and its functions.
About five years ago, my life hung in the balance. I was at risk of losing everything that meant something to me, and I fought like hell to get it back. I fought for over a year, and with time, the storm settled and life eventually evened back out.
Life still had its ups and downs; the regular turbulence that we all endure as human beings, but seeing I had what was most important to me- my family and our health- I believed that, given the aforementioned, I could handle it all.
I made a deal with God (a one sided deal that I’m not entirely sure that He agreed to): Keep my family healthy and together and I can handle anything you throw my way.
Well, recently I’ve learned that the deal I negotiated with God isn’t exactly working out.
Why? Because I cannot handle it all. I can’t handle all the shit that storms down on me.
About a month ago, I started experiencing waves of panic. This wasn’t something that I was unfamiliar with. I’d had brushes with anxiety throughout my life, so I assumed this would be a short-termed gig.
Life was stressful at that moment. Our tax extension deadlines were coming up, I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to finish everything, yet not equipped with even 1/100th the knowledge of that of a CPA. It was beyond frustrating and I was fighting every day to keep my balance.
And, just like that, my mom had a stroke and nothing mattered anymore. I flew to Phoenix to be with her and my family, and I stayed there for ten days. Thankfully, she made a complete recovery.
However, when I got home, instead of feeling a sigh of relief, I felt the opposite. I felt as though I fell into this huge hole and dirt was being shoveled on top of my body with compacting force.
Every morning I’d wake up to this pressing, gnawing ache in my chest. I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on top of me, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t escape it. I had no energy and I simply wanted to be left alone.
Each time I’ve had a brush with anxiety/depression similar to this, I scream to myself: “Oh my God! Seriously, Ashley!? You’ve handled SO much worse than this— get yourself together and carry on. Life could be SO MUCH WORSE.”
I told myself that over and over again. That is, until I found myself in a pile of tears in the middle of the night while reaching for a glass of water.
If you’d asked me why I was crying, I wouldn’t have had an answer for you. In fact, I still don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Everything just feels off.
I feel as though a dash of hurt, anger, frustration, and annoyance were tossed into a Kitchenmaid mixer and put on full blast.
None of the ingredients to my new found anxiety/depression/whatever you want to call it was enough to tip me over the edge, however, all of them mixed together might have done the job.
I feel run down, tired, not good enough at my real job, not good enough at my hobby (this- blogging), hurt by people that I thought had my best intentions in mind, frustrated with how much money a family of three can actually owe the government, shocked with how many branches of the government there actually are in California that want to pick your pockets, and frankly, frustrated with myself that I am not making a living doing something I love. I feel like everywhere I look in my home and office, there is work to be done, however, I lack all motivation to complete it.
I feel unhappy, yet I don’t feel I deserve to feel this unhappiness that sits so heavy on my chest.
Worst of all, I don’t know how to fix my happy. I want my happy back. I want my motivation back.
I am reading this book by Jen Sincere called “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness And Start Living An Awesome Life.” There is a line in the beginning of the book that hit me like a bat out of hell:
“But compared to what I knew I was capable of, I was, shall we say, unimpressed.”
I am highly unimpressed with myself. I know that I am capable of more. I know that if I put more of myself out there, I could accomplish more. However, the problem is— I have no fucking idea what direction to head.
My goal would be to live a HAPPY life where I enjoy what I am doing, but also one where I make an income doing it. As of right now, I am doing a poor job at my real job, and a poor job at what I love doing— putting myself out there in writing, reading aloud, preforming, etc. I would love to make just enough money doing what I love that I could replace myself at my husband and I’s company.
But again, I have no idea how to accomplish that. I’ve signed up for courses, paid money for advice, but I’m still just missing the mark. And to be honest, that is starting to take its toll on me.
And, as much as I mull this over in my brain, I have no solution.
I had Barb when I was 22. I never traveled the world, I never went on a honeymoon; I spent my entire 20’s building a business, and now I sit at a desk all day running that business.
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I’m at the point that I think I need to talk to someone, because this feeling that I wake up with, that sits inside my body with vengeance each day, and joins me in bed each night is not a feeling I’d wish on anyone. It’s something that needs to go, but I need to search and dig deeper to identify the exact cause of this feeling, squash/absorb it, and then learn how to make the necessary changes that need to be made in my life.
Normally, I avoid posting pieces like this because I feel as though I should be grateful for the life that I DO HAVE. However, this won’t seem to go away and if I’m good at one thing, it’s putting my thoughts and feelings into words (even if they’re a jumbled mess), so I figured I’d start there.
I think it also goes to show that even the “funny” ones, the people who seem the most optimistic, the happy people you follow along on Facebook also hit their lows in life, and I am no exception.
Have you ever been stuck like this? If so, how did you find your way out?
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You now I love you lady. If you’re inner voice is saying you need to talk to someone…LISTEN. It was the best thing I have done for myself. It isn’t a magic cute, but the tools my therapist has given me to cope with my anxiety alone have been worth everything.
Love you. I understand, and I think it’s helpful to get it all out. Talking to someone could definitely be helpful for you. Xoxoxox. I’m here if you need me.
I feel your words. To the core. Know you are not alone. Although, you are unimpressed… I stand in awe of your hobby, your gift and your amazing dedication to the craft and the kindness you show to humans. I sit here feeling similar, with different burdens, and crying. Thank you for writing these words. Sometimes… it is lonely and thoughts are eating at our insides. Reading this doesn’t make the world feel so alone. Thank you. Loves and many hugs <3
I don’t really have any answers. I’m in a rather nasty place myself as of late. But just wanted to tell you to hang in there and you’re not alone. Take it day by day (as if you had a choice anyway). It will all be a crappy memory and something to write about at some point. HUGS!
First of all… a million hugs. Seriously, you are an amazing women, an amazing mom, an amazing blogger, something will eventually give. I agree, talking to someone could definitely help. Hang In There mama, you’ll figure it out 💖💖💖
I am so sorry you are in this space. I hope that in time you will see the greatness that the rest of us see in you. I hope you find the answers you are looking for because you deserve success, health and happiness… so much of it – all of it!
Let me know if I can help in any way.
Your feelings are valid. Although there is a benefit to feeling grateful for the blessings that you have in your life, that doesn’t mean that you are not entitled to feel overwhelmed, lost, confused, and whatever else you may be feeling right now. You “deserve” to feel however it is you feel. Please stop telling yourself that you’re not entitled to your feelings just because other people have it worse than you do.
Also, please go talk to someone if you think it may help you. It sounds like you have tried to use the coping skills you know, but you’re still struggling. I don’t remember where I heard this, but ” anxiety and depression aren’t signs of weakness, but signs that you’ve been trying to take on too much and be strong for too long”.
You do whatever you feel will help you get your happy back. And you WILL get it back. I only know you through your blog and Facebook posts, but you seem to be a sweet, generous, fun loving, free spirit. You’re beautiful inside and out and you are strong. I know you’re in a slump right now, but you’ll get your mojo back, don’t you fear!
Tomorrow is Monday and the doctor’s offices will be open. Make the call and go talk to someone. They’ll be able to give you the tools you need to pick yourself up.
You keep on doing you because you’re fantastic.
I have found myself in this place. And you already know what you need to do sweetheart. Just because you’re strong, which you are, and have been through shit, which you have, doesn’t mean you don’t need help, and this time it’s a professional, babe. Find a therapist, preferably one who can prescribe meds. Something’s gone hinky and you’re at your max which means physiologically with your body chemistry, who knows. Find out.
Without therapy, I don’t know where I’d be. Yes, I’ve done it all, but when you can’t see straight, you need guidance. Do it now. XOXO
I am so sorry you are feeling this way! When I am feeling sad or overwhelmed, I write down 10 things that I am thankful for every night before bed. They can be anything. (example: I had a good hair day… yes I have written that before as one of the 10 since I seriously was so irritated I couldnt think of 10 easily) It seems silly, but I would go to bed with my head filled with those thankful thoughts, instead of anxiety. And is DOES start to make a difference. (I loved the bad ass book, BTW,. it is one of my favorites!) I will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.
I’ve had similar feelings lately. I keep reaching for something and failing to grasp it. I keep thinking the anxiety I’m feeling is an indication things need to be in better balance.
Thanks for the book recommend. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. I think you’re great.
I’m so sorry – I know how you feel. Therapy and meds have helped me greatly. Just talking about what you’re dealing with can make a huge difference. Big hugs from afar, and good luck. You can do this. One step at a time.
I don’t know if this helps, but you are not alone. I am NOT handling life well right now. I mean, not at all. I am terrified I will lose my job because I’m not productive. I can’t get out of this fog and I’m terrified of the projects I have to work on. My hypochondria is in overdrive so I think..why bother, I’m probably dying anyway. Usually, I am a bad ass. Not so much right now. I am still trying to figure a way to get out of this hole.
Sometimes life is crap. Seriously! Get someone to talk to, it helps a bunch. I love your blog, I pushed your brown button and I’m betting you pull out if this faster than it feels you might. Now Google a therapist and get to feeling better!
I love you. I wish I could big, squishy dinosaur hug you because I know this feeling all too well. I am notorious for convincing myself that I take my life for granted when I have moments like this and it’s painful. For me, counseling does help. I struggle to talk about my feelings a lot of times so taking ten minutes to dump out everything that is in my brain on paper before doing so helps a lot. Remember what you told me after some petty shit a few months ago? We empaths need to stick together. You have helped so many people through so many things, it’s okay to take care of you now. Your strength has inspired hundreds and your humor has impacted thousands. You are incredible and you will get through this. Again, I love you.
Hey. I am in the same place, the panic and anxiety are overwhelming. Don’t cut your self down or be hard on yourself for not handling it well. It’s hard! I say 2 things, 1) yes see someone and 2) start meditating. I’m currently seeing an acupuncture, a therapist, and meditating. Also some minor medicating. It works for me. Sending you a big hug and I know you will get through this.
I am slowly learning to put my life back together and learning to be the author of my own becoming. My journey is documented here:
https://howtosalvagealife.wordpress.com/
Please feel free to read, share and offer me some feedback. Thank you greatly x