What Took You So Long?

I have a blogging conference coming up in a couple weeks that I am really looking forward to. Some of my friends have been posting new outfits that they will be wearing; one of them even posted a photo of a pretty new dress.

I took a look in my closet and realized that the majority of my wardrobe either doesn’t fit, is outdated, or….well, it’s all fucking yoga/stretchy pants because I sit at a damn desk all day with bare feet and a mustache that could be waxed.

I have a couple dresses, but I don’t know that I could sit through a conference in a dress, so I decided to hit up the mall to buy a new pair of pants. You know, the kind that have a zipper and a button—-Also known as: JEANS.

So, off I went.

I pulled my secret trick of parking at JCPenny since they have the emptiest parking lot, however, that meant that I had to tread about 2 miles through the mall just to get to the store I wanted to go to- Express. Express was having a 40% your entire purchase event….and we all know my love for a good deal.

I started the hike towards Express, but then I saw that JCPenny was having a 50% off special on coffee makers. It just so happens, our coffee maker busted the other morning. I spent about 30 minutes questioning the lady on the different models of the Keurig as the last time I bought one, there was only one model. The black one.

I put the coffee maker on hold and finally made it out of JCPenny after about an hour.

As I was walking, some man in the middle of the mall in one of those pop-up-shop kiosks flags me down to tell me he has a flat iron that can make my hair EVEN FLATTER!

I stopped and listened for a second…and then realized I have an already huge head (literally) and I don’t need anything that will make my hair flatter and my head appear larger. I thanked him and continued trekking on my way.

I walked past Auntie Annie pretzels. And then, somehow, my body stared walking backwards and landed in the Auntie Annie’s pretzel line. All I could smell was delicious rising pretzels and flakes of sugary cinnamon goodness lining my mouth.

I then remembered that I brought a protein bar to avoid this situation. I ripped that fucker out of my purse and gobbled it up. And, off I went again…

I was about half way to my point of destination and another man stopped me and mentioned something about my face. I didn’t hear what he said, exactly, but I did hear the word “gold” and sure enough, my feet start backpedaling until my face was met with his. His hair was coiffed perfectly and he started rambling a bunch of gibberish. I peered inside the store and saw a bunch of his other victims sitting in chairs as people tugged on their face….likely promising a facelift in the form of gold skin cream sold in a glass jar.

I was onto him immediately. He wanted to sell me skin cream with gold. I may be an easy target, but I am not that dumb to believe that gold-laced skin cream will make me look younger…well, I am, but I had to pee so I told him I didn’t want his free sample, nor any of his employees touching my face. The only person at the mall that I allow to touch my face is  Nadia the Terrible who makes my mustache disappear.

And, off I went again.

Then, some man at another pop-up-kiosk started hollering at me about cell phone covers. I resisted the urge to yell at him, and all of his customers, that his iPhone cases ARE A SHAM and only look pretty for two days until the paint starts chipping off the case and your once $40.00 Monet-like iPhone case now looks like it’s been in a gang-iPhone-bang. NO THANKS.

I finally made it to Express. I walked in and the place was insanely crowded. I took one look at the dressing room line-up and realized there was no effin’ way I was waiting in that line to try on a pair of pants. I started hunting for Express name badges on people and found an employee to help me.

“These pants I have on right now are from here. I like them. Can you show me where they are? I want to buy another pair but ones preferably without holes.” I told her.

“Well, do you know what style and size they are?” she responded.

“Uhm, no. I just know that I bought them at this store.” the idiot (me) replied.

I put my purse down and pulled back the waist of my pants and asked her to check the size and style.

“Uhh. The style and size is in the front of the pants on the inside” she tells me.

I decided to spare her from looking at my granny underpants and I pulled the waist of my pants down and read the size and fit to her.

She directed me to the proper pants, I grabbed two pairs and headed to the checkout.

“Would you like to sign up for our rewards program?” the cashier asked me.

“I am kind of hot and sweaty and on the brink of a panic attack right now….do I get a coupon if I sign up??” I asked.

Apparently, I am already signed up in their rewards program. Of course I am.

I paid the man and left.

I bowed my head down, made a vow not to stop again until I hit the JCPenny parking lot and bolted out of there like a cheetah. I galloped down the way I came….and then I realized that I was now on a different level of the mall….and then I saw that GAP was ALSO having a 40% off store-wide sale.

I put myself through the same torture all over again. This time, I actually tried something on and tried to decipher what 24/26/28/30/32 means. Apparently, that’s another way to size clothing.

I grabbed three things and headed to check-out.

“Would you like to sign up for a GAP credit card and save and ADDITIONAL 10% today?” the GAP employee asked me.

My shaky hand slid my debt card her direction and through a very calm, wide-eyed smile, I told her I already have that card and my husband will murder me if I charge anything else on it.

I finally make it home and my husbands asks me:

“What took you so long?”

“I bought us a new coffee pot, someone tried to make my head appear bigger than it already is, I resisted the temptation of sugar laced carbohydrates in the form of a pretzel, I almost bought a pot of gold, I was reminded of a credit card that I forgot have, I ate a protein bar, I didn’t blow up a cell-phone cover kiosk, but I bought two new pairs of jeans and a shirt.” I told him.

“That’s pretty impressive” he responded.

I agreed.

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