Not Divorced…Yet

Good News: My husband, Justin, hasn’t divorced me…yet…

I signed up to do a marriage challenge piece at the beginning of March. I knew I could think of something witty to write about my Man-Barb and then the other day, I wrote a post about Eva Mendes and her ‘sweatpants equal divorce’ comment. I mentioned that I was waiting on my divorce paperwork to arrive any moment seeing I rock sweat/stretchy pants nearly every day.

Over the past few days, I’ve thought of a few other ‘infractions’, if you will, I make that could likely land me in ‘The First Wives Club’.

 

So, here we go. All the reasons my husband could file divorce paperwork on me, but has yet to do so….to my knowledge..

• Music. I am one of those freaks who finds a new album/artist and listens to that album, or worse, a SONG, on repeat all day errrrday. Not only do I listen on repeat, but I listen loudly. My sweet ol’ husband seems to have no qualms about us driving down the interstate with Katy Perry blasting on all four speakers and little Barb Marley (our child) and I screaming at the top of our lungs ‘And you’re gonna hear me ROAAARRRRR’ in tune (totally NOT in tune) to Katy Perry. Poor guy; my husband used to love listening to old school hip hop and now, his family car, his home, and even his work truck is trapped to the likings of Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, and whomever else I deem as the ‘greatest thing ever’ at that moment. I think he might even know some of the lyrics to the hot Megan Trainor song, ‘All About That Bass’. THAT is a good man.

• Budget. If you’ve read any of my posts in the past, you know that I have very little self-control. My husband decided that we should set ourselves up on a budget to save some money. He was right, we surely needed to do that, who doesn’t? So, I took out money for the month and did a GREAT JOB. I stuck to my budget and spent exactly what I had. Or, so I thought. We got our bank statement at the end of the month and there appeared Birchbox, JustFab, The Honest Company, PicMonkey, and Amazon. I didn’t think about the reoccurring charges when I set out on my new family-friendly budget. And Amazon? Well, I forgot that Amazon counted. I explained how easy it was to just click the ‘Amazon Prime’ button and WAHLA, ‘something AMAZING’ landed on my doorstep the next day. He was somewhat empathetic to that one because, dinosaurs. Who doesn’t NEED dinosaur Christmas ornaments? Exactly. Everyone does. The rest? Well, I am working on that.

• Food Kicks. I am one of those ‘all or nothing’ type of people. I got on an organic food kick and never looked back. Well, except when I drove past In N’ Out or any place that offered walnut crusted brie cheese. My husband, Justin, didn’t understand why we ‘had’ to shop in the organic produce section and why he had to pay a dollar more for a cucumber that looked the exact same as the one next to it for half the price. I swore that we would all live an extra century if we stuck with my plan. He was understanding to that one. However, most recently, I decided I wanted to try the whole gluten free thing. Turns out, I hate gluten free. Or, maybe I should say, I love gluten. I went to Whole Foods and replaced all of our common gluten staples with gluten-free options and came home with two bags of groceries having spent nearly $200. Justin, for the life of him, could not understand how a sane person would spend $6.99 on a loaf of bread. ‘It will cure my margarines!’ was my response. “I thought essential oils were doing that? You know, the ones you spend a car-payment’s worth on each month?” he replied. I scoffed and handed him a piece of bread to try. He tried one bite and kicked my new fad straight to the curb: “You are not allergic to gluten! Until you show me some type of evidence that regular bread is going to kill you, I cannot understand a seven dollar loaf of bread. If the stupid thing didn’t cost so much, I swear I’d toss it, and all of it’s gluten free friends, right on out the front door.” I cooled my jets on the gluten free gig. AKA. I started eating these amazing gluten free granola bars at almost every meal that cost $2.99/bar.

 

• Sense of Humor.  There is nothing greater in the world than a person with a great sense of humor. Thankfully, my husband has one. And, to be honest, i think that is the primary reason we are still married (aside from maybe a few other things). Here’s the thing: I think I am funny about 99% of the time. I think my husband is funny 100% of the time. He thinks I am funny, mmm maybe, 50% of the time. His biggest pet peeve of mine is that I never change the roll of toilet paper. So, over the past month, I’ve been collecting toilet paper rolls. I’ve accumulated quite a few and hidden each one. I made him this and stuck it in our bathroom.

His response? He laughed.

Marriage is a delicate dance. Life is stressful and complicated. Everyone is going in a thousand different directions at warped speed and sometimes, it’s hard to keep up. My husband and I get by with laughs. Whether that be poking fun at one another, laughing at the time little Barb Marley asked to sacrifice a lamb in our backyard, or even just the most insane and frustrating parts of life. I’ve found, in eight years of marriage and ten years together, that’s the best remedy to any bad day, to any disagreement, or any worry. Life’s short and I’m pretty sure, if we lost our sense of humor, our marriage would be doomed, too.

So, my advice? Wear sweatpants and laugh on.

This post was written as part of the March Marriage Challenge, co-hosted by Melissa Ann of The Eyes of a Boy & Carrie of Huppie Mama. To read more marriage stories, probably better ones, check it out!

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