There are some nasty people on the internet.
Being a writer/blogger, I tend to share quite a bit of my life on the internet.
There are many people who don’t understand why writers’ go out of their way to pay for blogs, run Facebook pages, share their life events, etc.
I tend to look at is as Facebook on a much larger scale. I’m sharing the same things about my life, in a way, that many do with their personal friends on Facebook. However, I have a knack for writing. I enjoy writing.
Writing has given me this escape that’s not entirely explainable. It’s interesting, really, when you think about it: I type words out onto a screen and then share them with people in hopes that they resonate in some way.
For the most part, that’s exactly what happens: my words resonate with people. It may be a funny post about parenting, a serious post about body image, or just a post about how children’s craft kits are going to be the death of me.
Writing connects me to people, which is something that’s become a part of me. I cannot count the number of friends that I’ve made through typing away at this keyboard over the past couple years.
However, when you share your life with the world, you also open yourself up to criticism. Now, I’ll be frank in telling you that I’ve endured my fair share of criticism. I’ve been called everything from a “shit mother” to a “prostitute,” however the most recent message I got was about my child and it cut quite deeply.
Now, putting the above message aside for a minute, I have to add that while I share a lot about my life, I do not share ALL of my life. No writer does. Just as you have many facets to your life, some shiny and bright, others dark and gloomy—as do I.
I try to keep an even balance when it comes to the happy vs. not-so-happy moments that I share on my page because let’s be real here- no one’s life is sunshine and unicorns, and no one wants to read all happy stories because no one’s life is REALLY like that.
That being said, I am careful about what I share when it comes to my daughter. She is 8-years-old and she is on the brink of “I’m not sure if my mom is cool anymore” vs. “My mom is my best friend!”
There are many things that you do not know about me, my past, or that of my family’s.
Can I still tell you funny stories about my life, or write about my life without sharing ALL of it? Absolutely.
What I will tell you is that my Barb, my sweet “Barb Marley” is a magnificent kid.
Prior to her changing her name to “Barb Marley,” Haydan was very shy—-INCREDIBLY shy. She was timid and she didn’t stand up for herself when she needed to.
I remember taking her to gymnastics and watching her line up for her turn on the bars. She was in line and this girl continuously cut in front of her. I watched for five minutes behind the plexiglass as this girl would take her turn, walk back around to the line, cut in front of Barb, Barb would then walk to the end of the line, and then the girl would do it all over again. This happened about nine times until I started pounding on the plexiglass to Haydan trying to signal in body language that she needed to tell this kid to knock it off.
She didn’t.
I asked her why she wouldn’t tell this girl to knock it off, and mostly, why she continued to walk to the back of the line each time this girl cut in front of her.
Her response? “I didn’t know what to say to the girl and I didn’t want to get into trouble. So, every time she cut in front of me, I figured that made it so I was cutting in front of everyone else behind me, so I thought I should go back to the end of the line again so the kids behind me didn’t think that I was cutting them in line when that girl kept cutting in front of me.”
If that doesn’t touch on my child’s character, allow me another example:
We have a homeless friend who lives at the gas station. My daughter loves him tremendously and is always at odds with the fact that he lives at a gas station. She saved up all of her money— all nine dollars— and gave it to me so “we could buy him a house.”
Now, when her name change came along, something else happened. “Barb Marley” (a.k.a. Haydan) got a boost in confidence. No, not a “split personality,” a BOOST IN CONFIDENCE– and both my husband and I welcomed it!
She was still the same kid that we knew and loved, but she felt more comfortable in her skin. Gone were the days of her comparing herself to her classmates, or wanting to have shoes like Sara from her class, or wishing for hair long because that’s what all the other girls did with her hair. In fact, she chopped all that hair off and dyed it like Rainbow Brite!
“Barb Marley” pushed the Haydan we knew at home into the real world too. She stood up for herself when needed, she learned that being HER everywhere (and not just at home) was not just okay, it was WONDERFUL.
My husband and I noticed such a shift in her confidence, as did her teachers at school. She was raising her hand to read in front of the class (something that she’s struggled with), she was making new friends, she was speaking up when questions were being asked in class– it was marvelous.
Was this all because of the “Barb Marley” name change? Probably not. I’m sure some of it had to do with her, our parenting, and the overall way that children progress in nature as they age.
However, the “Barb Marley” thing really did help. She was now “Barb” and everyone from family and friends to our Facebook friends on my SmashleyAshley page loved it.
Who would have thought a goofy name change would lift a kid up so much?
As parents, we want our kids to be confident (see: “flamboyant”) in who they are as little humans. It’s hard enough raising kids in this day and age; raising them to love themselves and feel confident with who they are is an entirely different challenge. To succeed at that is like winning a 500 mile marathon. If I could wish anything for my child, it would be that she is healthy and happy with who she is as a human being– and my daughter is just that.
This is MY life, this is MY child and there is never an acceptable time or place for someone to send another person a message like that.
I am sharing the 1% of my life with you all, and I enjoy sharing it. However, you don’t know the other 99%. You see highlights just as a camera reel catches moments from a vacation to France you may have taken. We don’t know what The Louvre smelled like or how tall the Eiffel Tower is in real life, just as you don’t know anything about my child and/or her behavior. You cannot watch a LIVE video on Facebook and use that to diagnose my child with a personality disorder, or know anything about my life once the camera stops rolling or my blog post ends.
I am proud of the girl that my husband and I have raised. I am proud of the father that my husband is and I am proud of the mother that I am. If you enjoy following my family along on our little journey, we are happy to have you here. However, if you feel anything like the lady who messaged me last night, please leave my page and don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya on your way out.
If you enjoy my site, please stick around! 🙂 If you DO enjoy my site, may I kindly ask for a vote on the brown banner below? Each click is a vote for my site! Thank-You!! 🙂
Good for you! You are 100% on point. People know what they see for a split second and think they know you personally when they haven’t the slightest clue. Some comments are harsh, but that one, well, that just crossed the line. You handled it so much better than I would have.
You are a great mother, (I’m assuming you’re a good wife…when you’re not watching Netflix, lol) friend and overall …awesome person! You have an amazing daughter and she has an equally amazing mother! 🙂
Oh, the audacity of some people. The only thing I’d Agee with is the letter writer is indeed getting too old. I so enjoy seeing life thru your (and Barb’s) eyes. It is hard, I imagine, to put yourself out there, but I’m sure glad that you do. Also, I effed up my email address whe I signed up for your newsletter. Can you fix it for me? Thanks!
Well, you already know how I feel about this based on our midnight conversation. You totally did it justice!
Um, hell yeah! The message you received was ridiculous, but your response was anything but. Judgement like this helps no one and I applaud you for publicly addressing it.
Nailed it!
First of all, I thought she was truly named Barb! Lol..Second of all, good for Barb aka Hayden, that she is able to step out of her comfort zone and test the waters. She is beautiful and full of life! Lastly, there is nothing wrong with having a good time, and perhaps even like a “teenager”, better than stuffy, anal and uptight!
Yessss!! I love this!
Oh my gosh, when I shared a story about my son being an introvert HuffPo it received several direct messages warning me about Aspergers Syndrome and anxiety disorder. How is it that people think they can diagnose a child, second hand, from 900 words?
Hang in there, you’re a great mom, with a great relationship with her child, and Barb Marley shows a great deal of empathy and compassion. That woman needs to mind her own business.
I am in tears reading this. I find it so so awful that anyone would ever think it was ok to send you that message. Like you said, we share snippets of our lives and it is no one’s place to share their negative opinion of it, especially about a child. There are so many of us that just love Barb and everything you have to share. Hugs to you, and way to fight back xx
Wow! You dealt with this with such poise!!!! There is such thing as over-exposing your family or losing sight of what matters in parenting. What you share on your page about your life is funny, upbeat, and interesting but it also really forces us to look at ourselves and so tough questions. What would I do if my son wanted to change his name? How would I react? You are a mom who has tested it out (thinking it was just a phase) and saw it through. You saw what this meant to your child. “Barb” gave your daughter her own sense of identity. It put her on a path of self-understanding and also prompted her to stand up for what matters to her. You covering her hair has got us, your readers, thinking about how we would feel if our young daughters wanted to shave or dye their hair. Your posts make us think about gender identity, self-expression, What the essence of a good Christian means and so much more.
The old saying, “When you point your finger at someone, there are three more pointing back at you,” applies here. This message says so much about the sender and so little about you and Barb. And yes, I know that is cliche, but really nothing could be gained by a message like that. No recipient of that message would get any well-intention. The person was hurtful because your child and your approach to parenting threatens their understanding of the world. Your approach is about love, understanding, and guidance. The sender would clearly prefer everyone to fit into a very limiting box. You should really be proud of yourself for how you and your husband raise Barb and how you’ve dealt with this brazen and needless attack ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I love that you write this because I’ve been judged by my family about our firstborn. He’s got a mind of his own, and my husband and I encourage him to express himself. I was always afraid he was going to be bullied but he’s defended himself a couple of times.
Holy cow, Ashley! I don’t know what could possible move someone to write something like that. Wow. I have always seen Barb as a bright, vivacious, loving girl who usually adores her mom. Lol. You and your husband are doing the whole parenting thing right, and now that you have written your eloquent response, don’t give that person a second thought. Much love for you and your family. ❤️
Way to nail it Ash! Where the good lord split ya – love it.
Some people are just assholes.
I haven’t read your blog before tonight, but in this one post I can tell you’re a mom who is doing an amazing job at raising a strong, confident daughter. It’s terrible when people take a few pieces of your life and make a very strong judgement about that. Thank you for putting yourself out there, and for being wiling to share this with us.
It doesn’t surprise me how people feel the need to pass their opinions, observations or feelings onto someone else. If I wanted your answers or thoughts I would ask. I think even we talk about our kids theres a fine line of other people talking about them. The computer is a great device for people to say what’s on their mind without a sensor/buffer.
You said it! There’s that great expression: “Whenever you point a finger at someone else, three fingers point back at you.” I wonder who has the personality disorder. (Wait, does that mean I have one too?)
I love this so much! Let me please tell you that I’ve also been there. My 7 years old daughter is so sweet and kind hearted and shy that some people -with their ignorant attitude- think that she has to change, because she is “too soft”. That “she has to be stronger in order to survive in this cruel world”. The same words I was raised with at home, at school, at work, in friendships…everywhere. And I believed this so many years. I couldn’t stand myself for being too soft for this world. And I almost would have make the same mistakes with my daughter. But instead I did something I wish would have been done to me: I comforted her, instead of trying to change her. I don’t tell her any longer that she has to be “stronger” or “harder”, that “she isn’t smart enough” or that she has “to fight back”. And I don’t allow that someone else does. I tell her instead how much I love and admire her that she is so kind, empathetic, cautious and caring; despite the fact that we live in such a hard world. And that we need “soft” people like her to bring back some love and joy to the world.
Long story short: you’re proud of your daughter, and that justifiably! Continue to love and support her, no matter what the world outside is thinking. You’re wonderful parents! God bless your beautiful family!
Even if you did put 100% of your life out there, the message you got would still have been BS. You handled it with grace for a message that was clearly out of judgment, not genuine concern. Long live, Shmarb. F off, haters.
I hate when people have to get involved in your parenting. I have three amazing kids who give 0 f***s about how the world perceives them and I want it to stay that way. They have amazing self esteem and I want it to stay that way. Don’t bring your issues and haterade and put that on my child. Why can’t people mind their own business??? If my child hasn’t hurt your child then leave them alone and let them be as flamboyant as they want to be. That comment speaks more to the person that sent it to you than about your parenting or your daughter. She has her own hangups and she needs to grow up and get over herself.
This “lady?” totally crossed the blogger line in my opinion. This is something you might discuss behind closed doors with your bestie but then besties would know you better. There are many shit head know it all folks on social media platforms that are not even worthy of a response. She is one of them.
*snaps fingers*
OHH NO THEY DIDN’T. Who the hell do they think they are getting off on badmouthing YOUR child? She is adorable, and from what you’ve written about her, a total and complete sweetheart, she is beautiful and I can tell that she will become a respectable young lady someday. With that being said. Excuse my language but
HOLY SHIT. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
That is all. We love you, Smash!
I’m so tired of the armchair diagnosis – but opinions are like assholes (except that I really don’t need to SEE them thankyouverymuch.) Barb isn’t “flamboyant” – you are sharing the BIG side of her personality, and she is awesome. But do I “know” Barb? Hell no. I can’t, because there is more to her than what you share, than what writers share about their kids.
People have to know that what we share as writers are vignettes.
What I share (which is is less and less because tweens can be bitches and asshats, and I don’t need to hand them ammunition to use on my kids) is a snapshot of a moment and doesn’t capture every facet of their personality. Any more, if I write a post about bullying, someone’s mom reads it, tells her kid that I don’t like them – I’m all “how do you know it’s YOUR kid” and “if you do, DO something about it”. But I digress.
Sheesh.
Wow, I can’t believe someone would have the nerve to write you this message. Even if it comes from a good place, it is completely inappropriate. Your response, though, was perfect!