Let me start off by telling you this: At birth, I was a beast. Not only was I large in size, but I was quite the furry lil’ one.
I would like to tell you that as I aged, my fur back, furry legs, and furry body averaged out to just a normal peach fuzz. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I remember not being too overly concerned about being super hairy until one of my childhood friends pointed it out to me in the 4th grade…and then proceeded to assist me in my first ‘leg shaving experience’ as I like to remember it. Aside from my mom being livid that I ‘robbed’ her of that experience and that ‘quality bonding time’, it wasn’t too bad.
Then 6th grade hit- AKA: I got my itty bitty boobies/hit puberty. My grandparents would come down from Canada and stay as snowbirds for the winter. Around this time I remember my grandmother looking at me from time to time with a certain ‘look’ and then looking away once she realized I was onto her. I just didn’t know what she was looking at…
My mom came to me around this time and said ‘Well, your Grandma thinks that we should take you to have your eyebrows and lip waxed.’ WTF. Naturally, I responded with ‘WHAT?!’. Actually, that is a lie. What I really said was: ‘Well, thats fine, but who is paying for this little visit of mine?’ as I was not at all keen on spending my $5.00/hour babysitting money on this waxing session my 70 year old grandmother deemed necessary.
I was off to my first ‘groom’ in the sixth grade and needless to say, have been an avid eyebrow/lip waxer, threader, and every other painful fucking way of reducing this mass amount of body hair God blessed me with.
Well, this evening I was removing my make up with one of those awesome make-up remover towels and noticed my eyebrows were a bit scary. I was trying to get an early start to bedtime as my daughter, Haydan, needed to be at school at the break of dawn for her Kindergarden graduation. I wanted to be fully rested for her big day. I decided to pluck those strays away and then looked down. OMG. My upper lip! Tom Selleck immediately popped into my head. ‘How the hell did I not notice this SOONER!?!’
It was bad, really bad. It was 9:00pm by this time and there was no way that I would be able to pop on over to the mall where I normally have my gorilla body groomed. A normal person would have waited until tomorrow but I couldn’t wait. Not to mention, there would be a plethora of photos taken at graduation and I did not need my daughter pointing out my mustache ten years from now as we looked back on her Kindergarden graduation pictures.
Hmmm. Just at that time I looked down and saw my husband’s razor on the bathroom counter.
Yep, you guessed it. I decided to do just a mild and swift glide over the hairy spots (yes, i said spots, unfortunately my mustache doesn’t grow as evenly as my good ol’ buddy Tom Selleck’s.) I took it right to the top of my lip where I noticed the biggest beast of a hair and…I CUT MY LIP WITH THE RAZOR.
I immediately knew this was a really bad idea. Bad idea as in: I should have went for my women’s Venus razor over my husband’s manly one. I am not skilled at shaving mustaches and when doing something new, I find it best to stick to the equipment you know how to operate. It’s best not to attempt a brand new task with a foreign piece of machinery. Remember that..
I immediately ran to my husband to blame this all on him. I mean, it was his razor that did this to me. He looked at me in disbelief. ‘What the hell did you do?!’ I phrased it very eloquently..’Well, I was taking off my make-up. You know, to go to bed… We sure do have an early morning tomorrow with the graduation..’
He wasn’t following me. So I continued, ‘SHIT! I took my damn make up off and saw I had a gorilla stache’ and used your stupid razor to tame it and now THIS happened!’ He laughed. I did not. ‘That is REALLY funny…you should definitely blog about this’ he said. ‘HA. Yeah, right. Not fucking happening.’ I responded.
He then said ‘If you don’t, I swear to you, I will go online and start a blog right now…and this will be my first post: ‘Smashley and her Stashley‘.
So, here we are…..
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