My Life In A Tote

I was visiting my neuromuscular dentist the other day; he and I have become very tight over the past four months. I’d call him the other man in my life, just the other man who clearly doesn’t get my sense of humor….or just thinks I’m really not funny.

Nonetheless, we were discussing my posture and how that affects a bunch of shit that’s apparently important. For instance, your neck, your back, etc. Furthermore, he let me know that I am ‘not using my flank to support my upper body’. (A.K.A. My stomach muscles are non-existent–which I was clearly aware of…)

I told him I try my best to stand up straight and not mimic The Hunchback of Notre-Dame. He looked at me inquisitively and asked about my handbag.

“Your handbag looks pretty big. Is it heavy? That can cause problems carrying around something that large and placing all that weight on your left shoulder.” he said.

“Yeah, I’ll look into that…” I replied knowing immediately he was onto something, something big, something heavy.

I decided to come home and empty out my purse onto the floor and take peak as to what I’ve been toting around. This lil’, er, LARGE,  gem has graced my shoulder since October, it was time to take a look into it’s unknown depths. What I found was not only the reason as to why my neck is a mess, but also very astonishing. Why I had garden seeds in my purse is beyond me and truthfully, I have absolutely no explanation. However, I can share a few other things that were pretty fantastic. Let’s just say, I’m fucking P-R-E-P-A-R-E-D for almost any situation!

1. I found a flip flop. One flip-flop. Just one. Other flip-flop? No idea…

2. Business cards for three different businesses that I DON’T own. Yeah, I’m a good customer like that. You’re welcome.

3. I found about 63 tampons. Again, I am prepared.

4. I found more Pepto Bismol than CVS probably has on their shelves any given day. Okay, maybe not, but it was ridiculous to be lugging around more Pepto Bismol in my bag than I have in my actual medicine cabinet at home.

5. FOOD. A LOT OF FOOD. I would like to pull the ‘Well, I’m a mom, so obviously I have a lot of snacks in my purse!’ card, however, these are all my snacks. Every one of them. Oh, and I also found a cheese stick in there. Also mine. Oranges, granola bars, and A LOT of wrappers. A disturbing amount of wrappers.

6. Windex Wipes. What in the actual fuck am I doing with Windex Wipes in my purse? I have no answer. I cannot tell you the last time I stopped mid-entry into Target and started Windex-ing down their front sliding glass doors or when I’ve Windex-ed anything else outside of my home for that matter…

7. My sunglasses! BOTH pairs! WOO HOO! I knew I had two pairs…

8. A pair of scissors. Again, no idea.

9. An empty toilet paper roll. Now, this one may seem a little bizarre, however, I have big plans for all the toilet paper rolls I’ve been saving up. I have been collecting them from my home, other peoples homes, and all bathrooms for that matter. I will unveil the secret when I’ve collected enough as to why I am hoarding such a strange item. I doubt my husband is reading this but, yes, it has to do with him.

10. Mustaches. I found an entire sheet of sticky mustaches in the side pocket of my bag. I love mustaches but I’m not sure why I’ve been toting these around with me since, likely, Halloween. There are many times a mustache can come in handy, though, so I’m really not going to beat myself up over this one….

11. The most responsible thing in my purse? An Epi-Pen. Yep. That’s right, good mother, RIGHT HERE. Did I know it was in there? Could I have found it in an emergency in less than forty-five minutes? I’d prefer not to answer. The point is I had it….somewhere in the depths of my handbag cave….

As you can tell from the above pictures, I’ve been luggin’ around a hoard of crap in my purse. I’m surprised I don’t walk in a permanent left direction. I don’t have a scale in my home but Justin estimated that my purse weighed about 18lbs or the weight of a small toddler. That explains the really strange size of my left shoulder and bicep. I can either lessen the load, OR, I can start carrying the beast on my right shoulder and equal out the guns. This would give me a continued excuse to avoid the gym. As an added bonus, my thick biceps would fool people into thinking I’m some bodybuilder not to mess with. I can live with that.

What is the strangest thing in YOUR bag? If you have any rodents, please don’t tell me. I’m having a rat problem in my attic and it’s giving me nightmares. 

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