I cracked today.
Like, cried “cracked” today. Like “I broke the fuck down ‘cracked’ today.”
I normally do a pretty decent job at keeping it together. I am lighthearted, I laugh, I find the funny in most everything, but today I cracked.
I cry for other people, I cry at commercials, but rarely do I cry about anything that has to do with me and my own emotions.
Life is really fast. Life carries a load of responsibilities. Some days, I can keep up. Mostly, I do a good job keeping up.
I looked around my office today, a stack of unpaid bills on my desk, my phone and business line ringing off the hook, Barb questioning me about gravity and how the Earth spins and how we don’t feel dizzy, yet when she spins, she feels dizzy… and I cracked. I could feel the pit in my throat; the one that comes right before a surge of tears.
And I let it out.
Barb is home with me and I think it’s fine to show emotion in front of children, but I, for one reason or another, don’t want her to see me cry. She looks at me as a pillar of strength. I am Barb’s hero. I never want that to change.
But, I cracked.
I laid down on the futon in my office and I cried.
She asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t know what to tell her.
“I am just sad” was all that I could muster up.
“Sad about what?” she questioned me with an unfamiliar, empathetic look.
“I don’t really know, babe…”
And, I really don’t know. Life. Life is tough. “Smash” is fun and silly, “Smash” loves dinosaurs, “Smash” is a dorky nerd who is easily amused. Smash occupies about 90% of who I am. However, there is a part of “Smash” that isn’t broadcasted. Her name is Ashley Alteman.
Ashley Alteman; the woman with a shit-ton of responsibilities, ones I am sure you are all familiar with as they consume your life as well; medical issues, bills, tension in relationships with family/friends, debt, etc.
Ashley Alteman sometimes feels the weight of the world crushing down on her with endless phone calls from the government telling her about errors made in a tax return from 2013.
Ashley Alteman tries to put out health insurance fires that pile up on her desk in envelope form.
Ashley Alteman tries to manage a household and a business, with a funny, quirky, 7-year-old as her summer sidekick and two dogs that bark at the most inopportune times.
Ashley Alteman has to figure out a way to come up with $4,738 so the government will quit breathing down her back for an “error” made in 2013.
Ashley Alteman tries to love and support her friends, her amazing, incredible friends. She tries to keep up with them, too.
Ashley Alteman tries to figure out the potent words of others, Ashley Alteman over analyzes and is more sensitive than she lets on.
So, today I cracked. I cried. I walked away from my work computer and my “Smash computer.”
I went to decompress and walked to the fridge for a cold glass of water and to rinse my face in the kitchen sink.
As I opened the fridge, my eyes were met with this magnet that I had made for our family around Christmas time.
I kneeled down, eventually sitting down, and looked at it for a while. I sat on the cold kitchen floor with salty tears streaming my face, and thought for a moment.
It’s okay to crack.
It’s okay to show those cracks, too.
So, rather than walking away and decompressing in my mind, I did so in this cluster of words. These words. And, I decided to share them with you.
Because, I know I’m not alone. We all crack, and I want you to know that I crack, too. And, more so, sometimes it feels good to crack, and let it out.