What To Do When Your Home Is Infested With Cockroaches

What to Do When Your Home Is Infested With Cockroaches

A few weeks ago, we noticed a weird looking bug walking across our kitchen counter. Grossed out, I immediately heaved, squashed it and then called for my husband to come clean up its remains.

My husband came into the kitchen and identified the dead beast as a COCKROACH.

“WHAT? How do you know? Are you sure? Why doesn’t it look like a regular cockroach? OH.MY.GOD.” I asked/explained/screamed/cried.

My dear husband then explained that these types of roaches are common, and that he sees a lot of them during his work days when he is servicing our customers’ accounts.

In that moment, I realized it was likely him that had tracked that asshole cockroach into my home, and for a brief moment, divorce crossed my mind. I decided to give him a break- mainly because I know my barbecuing skills are subpar to his- and a girl has to eat properly cooked meat.

Within three days, we’d seen four more cockroaches. I had to increase my blood pressure medication because I cannot let a bug be the death of me. If I’m going out before old age, it had better be something badass that takes me out (i.e. a T-Rex swallowing me in one bite, or something equally amazing that would land me in the Guinness Book of World Records for the craziest death of all time.)

Sure enough, our whole fucking house was infested with roaches. I could hear my child scream every time she opened a cabinet in our kitchen, and I could feel my own heart race each time I opened the dishwasher and one would scurry out. Those roaches, they are seriously tough bitches. They were born to never be killed- they are immortal.

So, for your convenience, I’ve put together a list of what to do when your home is infested with cockroaches:

What to Do When Your Home is Infested With Cockroaches:

1. Cry. A good cry is always great. Each time I have a good cry session, I forget how good it feels to let it out. While you’re at it- cry about some other shit that’s eating you up inside; you’ll thank me later.

2. Call a pest control company that will swear on their children’s lives that they can rid you of the beasts that have inhabited your home. Ask them to arrive at your house later that evening so you can make a blood pact. When they show up and tell you that evening that you need to empty ever cupboard in your home- remind yourself that they are trying to help you; do not sucker punch them.

3. (As mentioned above in step two) Take All the Shit Out of Your Cupboards: Yes- EVERYTHING. Make sure you wear a blindfold and rubber gloves. You.Will.See.Roaches. And, they run like a motherfucker; they could put Lance Armstrong on a bicycle (while also on HGH) to shame. THEY ARE FAST. Toss all your shit in the THREE boxes that your husband brings home from Home Depot. When you realize what you already knew– that three boxes won’t hold 1/100th of the crap in your kitchen, start piling shit in other areas of your home.

4. Contemplate setting your house on fire. During a water break (alcohol break), search Google for discreet ways to burn your home down. When Google reminds you that arson is illegal, and then tells you that cockroaches will survive fire, go to step five.

5. Find a New Home. You already have half your shit packed anyways, why not move? A fresh start is ALWAYS nice, right?! Once you realize that a new home requires a downpayment, and a downpayment on a home is 20% which equates to 1/100000000th of what you have in your bank account, grab a bottle of vodka and go to bed.

6. Hermetically Seal Yourself In: When in bed, you might realize that THIS room of your home is the only room not infested with cockroaches. If that happens to be the case (as it was in mine), quickly leave the home, buy a calking gun at Home Depot, return and seal yourself in your room until this nightmare ends.

7. Explain. Once the pest control guy arrives between 8AM-10PM on Saturday, cry to him that you are allergic to cockroach bites. Ignore his comments that roaches don’t bite- he has no idea what he’s talking about, but YOU DO. Tell him that you’ve considered divorce, arson, have been leaning a bit too heavily on the bottle. When that doesn’t work, send in your husband- his face will quickly send a clear message that these roaches need to go.

8. Run Away. Once your home is sprayed and you are instructed to leave for four hours with your children AND YOUR ANIMALS, contemplate running away. Think back to your dreams of living in the Big Apple- then remember that a studio apartment in NYC, that you could afford, would also likely be infested with roaches, too. Skip that plan and go back to blaming this all on your husband.

9. Praise God. Once your home is sprayed, sing that song Hallelujah – make sure it’s the one by Jeff Buckley- that song evokes serious emotion. Kick back, grab a glass of wine vodka and thank God this nightmare is over.

10. Start Over. Read pamphlet exterminator left behind while enjoying said glass of vodka and scan fine print: “Many roaches may carry babies on their backs. These roaches will not be killed by our treatment, and we will likely need to re-visit in two weeks to repeat this process.” Go back to step one and start cycle from the top.

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