*Friends, there are affiliate links in this post for Amazon. If you buy Hungry Hungry Hippos, or a unitard, I make like .18 cents. Just a heads up.
She’s back at it again, folks. The most in-touch-with-reality woman, Gwyneth Paltrow, has released her 2015 holiday gift guide–and THANK GOODNESS. Some of these suggestions, well, I just don’t know what I’d do without. How I’ve gone this far in my life without these things is BEYOND me. She’s really opened my eyes on this one. Last year it was the $550.00 traveling backgammon set, but this year really tops the cake.
So, if some of you are keen on scoping out some of the scores that good ol’ Gwynnie put together for us this year, but you are a totally normal person who doesn’t spend $90,000 on an “awesome” gift, well, I have come up with a solution– we will call it the “Realistic version of Gwyneth Paltrow’s idiotic holiday gift guide!”
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Gwynnie suggests a “World View Exploration at the Edge of Space” trip for 90K.
Smash’s Suggestion: Glow in the dark sticky stars for your ceiling. Gives your room a total “I am in outer space” look. I bet Gwynnie has these plastered throughout her entire house!
The cheap way to see space- you are WELCOME!
2. And, this beautiful unitard, because who doesn’t need a unitard for $260.00? Exactly.
You can find this beauty at Goop.com
However, if I am being honest here, I’d say that if you are going to go for this look– you should REALLY go for it! Personally, I’d choose this one:
This just screams “I AM AWESOME!!!” and you can get it at my favorite place ever- Amazon.
3. This completely practical $244.00 toothpaste squeezer from WallpaperSTORE.com
Why someone who could afford to spend this kind of cash on a TOOTHPASTE SQUEEZER–and doesn’t just buy the entire Colgate factory, or another bottle of TOOTHPASTE is far beyond my comprehension.
Smash’s Alternative: Something that does the exact same thing, yet cost 1/200th of the price (and I’m not good at math, so I’m totally guessing on that aforementioned fraction.)
The poor man’s toothpaste squeezer on Amazon for $2.22!
4. An everyday Mah Jong set for only $46,000.00! Screw getting a NEW CAR, or in some places, A HOME– You can have your very own Hermes Mah Jong game set! WAHOOO!!!
Note* Not the actual photo. It’s actual way fancier and “I’m SUPER rich” looking than this.
Smash’s Alternative for the poor person (like her):
HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS, BABY!!!!
Available on Amazon for as low as $12.99! WAY COOLER.
5. There is actually a “vintage” ball and chain in Ms. Paltrow‘s gift guide this year for $1,500.00
6. Yet another amazing feature of Gwynee Boo’s holiday gift guide is “After Poo Drops” for the practical price of $49.50. Yes, you read that correctly.
You can pick up these bad boys on Amazon!
Smash’s Realistic Suggestion:
Three cans of Glade spray. It covers the poo smell really well. So does a MATCH, and those are FREE at the gas station.
Available at Amazon for $12.26!
7. This $150.00 hairbrush. I thought I’d read in the description that it magically colored your grey’s for you as you brushed your hair- but no.
Available for only $150.00!
This lookalike hairbrush is available at Amazon for $11.29. It also doesn’t makes any promises of removing the grey. However, I’d rather purchase a non-magical hairbrush for $11.29 than one for $150.00.
8. THIS VAGINA STEAMING SEAT!!
Steaming component not included. Must provide own hot water to steam your own vagina.
Smash’s alternative suggestion:
This awesome facial steamer from Amazon for only $20.95! Steam your face and your vagina! *Note* Maybe sanitize in between uses. Or, just don’t steam your fucking vagina, weirdo.
9. The world’s most expensive toilet paper!
Available at www.josephs-toiletries.com!!
ORRRRR, you could go with this FANTASTIC option that Smash found for you!
Wipe your beaver with Justin Bieber, courtesy of Amazon for $7.99!
10. 18K Gold Dumbbells. No, I am NOT kidding.
However, if you are buying for ME this holiday season, I’d prefer this alternative:
$125,000 to In N’ Out.
And, there you have it. Smash’s practical version of little Ms. Paltrow’s awesome holiday gift guide. If you need any further suggestions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Clearly, I am VERY good at this.
If you enjoyed this post (or even if you hated it– I take what I can get) would you mind clicking on the brown banner below? Every click tells the world that I am funny and I really need that kind of validation in my life. And a cheeseburger. Thanks. Love, SMASH
Poopouri is also another option for NOT $50
I do splurge on my Body Shop Brush – it was $10
Think Glow Stars will keep Chris awake at night? I love them…I want them.
lol! omg one of my friends, sarah, suggested I add that- I was going to and then I forgot to replace it with that!! DAMNITT!! POOPOURI! I must get that! And no, I don’t think Chris would notice the glow stars– if he does, tell him he’s seeing things. lol
Girl…I’m sitting here giggling like a fool. Eli goes, “what the heck is wrong with you?!” “Smash…Smash wrote again” hehehehehe
hahaha awwww! I am glad my sarcastic ass gave you a giggle, my friend!! MWAH!!
OMG Ashley! I should have refrained from reading this while eating dinner! 1. I almost choked on my grilled cheese & 2. I almost spit out my chicken soup. I love your practical suggestions. They are spot on my friend! lol. Alyssa even said after reading the vaginal steamer, “who does that?”…. Why Gwynnie of course!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
“Or, just don’t steam your fucking vagina, weirdo.”
Just started reading your blog, and your stuff is fucking hilarious! Love it! 🙂
Why, thank-you!!!! I am so happy you are enjoying it! Happy to have you on the crazy train! 😉
“Smash’s solution: Marriage” Yup! Spit my wine out laughing at that one. This list is incredible. You crack me up.
Holy hell, you are HILARIOUS!!! Thank goodness I found a link to a vagina steamer! My life will be complete!
I always thought you seemed like the vagina steaming kind, Sue. LOLLL
the whole “wipe your beaver with bieber” and the entire vagina steaming paragraphs make me LAUGH OUT LOUD at work. (and at least one snort was involved)
Oh my gosh- those who snort while laughing instantly make my “favorite person ever” list. HAHA! Love you, woman. xo
This was just AWESOME!!! <3 <3 <3
hahaha THANK YOU!!!!! xoxo
You are hilarious and brilliant! I’m in on your gift guide!
WAHOO!!!!!! 😉 thank you!!! xoxo
My vag has steam coming out of it on a regular basis. I’m not sure I need to be shooting any up into it, though the idea is intriguing. The website that sells the vag-o-matic says (and I am not kidding): “Vaginal ecology is key to accessing your feminine power.” — allrighty then! Steaming vaginas unite!
This cracked me up. The unitard scared me. As did that vagina steamer thingy. Yikes! I don’t think my vagina would be pleased with that. At all.
MINE EITHER!!! LOL!!!
OMG this is hysterical! How did I miss Gynnie’s gift guide? Totally sharing!!
haha thank you!!! I am so glad you got a laugh!! xoxo
I just wet my pants laughing so hard! I will have to take my kids’ nebulizer to steam myself – maybe that will work too… I will keep you posted!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! omg LOL
Well, sister, you’ll be glad to know that you will only have to sell 500,000 unitards (and as you so correctly point out, what woman in their right mind doesn’t want a unitard – they accentuate our best features, particularly in the lemon yellow you suggested) to get that trip to Rocket Man it to the Edge of Space (Gwynnie’s home)!
You go girl!!
Hysterical. What is wrong with that woman???
LOL!! What’s wrong with this woman? I am STILL trying to figure that out. LOL! i love you, Mary!
Thank you so much for this list! I had never thought to use a face steamer for my vag! Problem solved! Everyone needs to read this. You are my fave!
I am happy to be of service. BAHAHA!! Thank-YOU!!!
See? This stuff, right here? THIS is why NO ONE likes Goopy Paltrow. Ugh, she is so ridiculous.