Dear Keurig Coffee Maker,
When I first met you, it was love at instant pour.
I became quickly addicted to your shiny buttons, your selection of brewing cup-sizes, and the endless convenience you provided.
You broke one day and I called your maker and he sent me a new version of you.
We carried on for what I thought would be eternal bliss.
Within a couple years, you started to make “that sound.” I knew you were on your way out..so I decided to pony up and buy a new one of you.
But then you decided to turn into a spaceship with special lights, a touchscreen, and a new and improved facelift with faux stainless steel siding. Your beautiful body had me fooled. That mixed with a 50% off coupon and I was screwed; you sucked me right in.
My love for a good deal and shiny things got the best of me one day, and I bought the spaceship version of you on on a fire sale at JCPenny.
What I didn’t know, however, is that the spaceship version of you is a hoax.
You no longer love my Trader Joe’s coffee cups, my Bob Marley coffee, nor my eco-friendly re-fillable K-Cup.
You send me this MEAN text message every time I try to use the coffee I WANT to use.
You are in love with one person only: YOURSELF.
You now demand that I purchase ONLY K-Cups with your “logo” on the box.
Bob Marley doesn’t have your logo on his box, therefore, I can no longer enjoy my Bob Marley coffee. I’ll be honest, that stings a bit.
I feel like you think you are one of the popular kids now and can go crazy selling your brand named K-Cup coffee that you know we are all addicted to. Sort of like the Kardashians. Remember when they came out with that pre-paid Visa card that you had to pay an astronomical amount of money JUST TO BUY to put YOUR OWN MONEY ON; all so you could have a piece of plastic with their faces on the front every time you swiped to spend your own cash?! And then, SEARS. I mean, who buys a dress at Sears for $85.00? See? You are just like a Kardashian.
Keurig Kardashian, you asshole.
Now, I am left pondering what the hell to do with you. Do I continue buying your
Prada, I mean, Keurig brand coffee because I love the convenience you provide? Do I go on Craigslist and find an old-school version of you, similar to the Atari, so I can use any form of wannabe knock-off K-Cup and re-useable K-Cup I want? You have me stumped in a way that takes me back to high school freshman Algebra.
You are giving me guilt and anxiety, Spaceship Coffee maker, and I am not sure where to go from here.
Waking up to you each morning used to give me excitement. Honestly, you were half the reason I actually rolled my ass out of bed each morning; I knew you were there to greet me with a hot cup of joe within seconds.
Well, now you’ve went and pissed me right off and our relationship is love/hate. I need you, I do. You’re like a drug I can’t quit; a brand name drug I can’t quit.
Keurig Spaceship Machine, you’ve created a First World Problem for me and I’m just angry, confused, and honestly…embarrassed. I never thought I’d see the day that I owned a “brand name coffee maker.” I’m just waiting for the day to come at the playground…I can see the scenario unfolding in my mind:
Mom A: Look at these FANTASTIC new jeans I got at Saks Fifth Avenue for only $9,000!!
Mom B & C: Ohhh…Ahhhhhh…Those are sooo fab’!
Me: Look at my AWESOME jeans I got at Target!! $14.99–CLEARANCE, BITCHES!!!!!
Mom A: Well, what version of the Keurig coffee maker do you have? Do you have the Spaceship version?
Me: Uhh…well…oh no, I think I feel the runs coming on…GOTTA GO!!!!
See? It’s really that bad. Look what you’ve done to me. I think I need to talk to my therapist about this. You’ve turned me into a sham.
Angry Keurig Lover, User & Hater (A.K.A. Smash)
If you’re angry at the Spaceship Coffee Maker, give the brown button a click and vote for Smash. The world needs to know about this. One vote equals a click for Smash. ONE CLICK! Come on, I was duped by a fucking coffee maker- even pity votes are welcome.