Bikini Calendar- Not Happening

My child is one of those ‘go with the flow’ type of kids. She isn’t intimidated to try new things and test the waters of ballet, gymnastics, summer camps, etc.

My husband, Justin, found a flyer at her gymnastics studio that was advertising the opportunity for children to participate in a San Diego Charger’s Girls’ cheer camp. The cheer camp would result in the kids being invited to cheer at a San Diego Charger’s half time show. He came home and told me how much fun he thought Haydan would have if she participated.

 

I was onto him immediately. Justin wanted to drag our kid to three 4 hour cheerleading training sessions…..all while watching the Charger’s Cheerleaders teaching the kids the routines in their tight bootie shorts and crop tops.

 

Being overly secure in my stretchy pants, unkempt hair, sexy beast ways, I let him know I was down with the plan. Haydan was also overly stoked at the chance she might have the opportunity to cheer at a Chargers game…. ‘like a real cheerleader’, so I went with it.

Justin chaperoned Haydan to her first practice a few weekends ago. It was four hours long and they both came home looking like well-done lobsters. Naturally, he didn’t think of sunscreen, drinks, snacks, or anything else that a 6-year-old would need to be fully equipped to tackle four consecutive hours in the sun. I reminded him that our small human has inherited her mothers ‘Casper’ complexion and he assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

In order to participate in the cheer camp, there was a one time $175.00 fee, and furthermore, each child also had to raise an additional $175.00 to benefit the Make-A-Wish foundation. I can’t complain about the Make-A-Wish foundation donation as that would make me an even bigger asshole than I already am, however, let’s just say that I am not at all a fan of asking people for donations, regardless their nature. It makes me feel like a Mary Kay rep who is two sales away from her pink Cadillac. I’d just rather throw money at the ‘cause’ and call it a day. That’s a shitty lesson for a child so I went with it and half-way committed.

We compromised and put a little quip on FB with a photo of Haydan begging for donations and tagged every family member so they would feel obligated to chip in. Thinking back, that was actually an even bigger asshole move… We knew none of them would say ‘No’.

Thankfully, our family likes us half way, or at least our child, and the checks started rolling in. Haydan reached her mandatory donation amount and we didn’t have to dig any deeper into our wallets than we already had.

Justin let me know he was informed that if Haydan raised $1000.00 in donations, she would be invited to a sleepover with the Charger Girls…and HE really wanted to go to that sleepover, so clearly, we had to take this seriously.

As they were walking out the door Saturday to attend cheer practice numero dos, Justin lets me know I need to hop on the computer to order the ‘Commemorative DVD’, the ‘Commemorative Photo Package’ and then he blindsides me with this: ‘Oh, and they are selling the Charger Girls’ Swimsuit Calendar! If the kids buy one, each Charger Girl will sign her designated month.’ 

I was stunned. Look, I am by no means a ‘good’ parent. I say more ‘bad words’ than good ones and most of my parenting decisions border on questionable…however, a fucking swimsuit calendar…for little girls!? Is this real life? How in the world is that in the least bit appropriate? Even I, the true definition of ‘inappropriate’ was not understanding this.

Why yes, I think that is a superb idea! Let’s purchase that swimsuit calendar for our daughter so she can adorn it to her wall and aspire to grow up to be a Victoria’s Secret Supermodel who prances around in wings and bikinis.

Uhm. Not fucking happening.

Hell, aside from the tight outfits and fake boobies, at least cheerleading is considered a sport. What message is a bikini calendar sending my kid? At this point, I was really re-considering this entire Jr. Cheerleading deal.

My husband chimed in and assured me he had no intentions of purchasing the calendar as he thought it was wildly inappropriate too, however, I wouldn’t at all be surprised to see a autographed copy of the calendar hanging in our garage on January 1, 2015.

Who in there right forsaken mind thought this to be a genius move? I signed my kid up because I thought we were benefitting a good cause, Make A Wish. Who am I kidding, I signed her up because it meant three Saturdays in a row without either one of my family members present, three Saturday’s where I was left in peace to eat cookies and watch Netlfix. But, the Make-A-Wish thing was an added bonus…

I now have to explain to my kid why she wont have the bikini calendar and furthermore, that posing in your skivvies on a lighted soundstage with fake sand and plastic palm trees is not ‘cute’, not ‘cool’, or any other adjective other than: ‘RIDICULOUS’.

I was certain to send her out to cheer practice on Saturday in an outfit that screamed ‘MY MOM IS LAME AND MADE ME WEAR LEGGINGS UNDER MY SHORTS AND THIS RIDICULOUS EXCUSE FOR A CHEERLEADING OUTFIT’

If it’ wasn’t 90 degrees that day, I would have put her in a full sweat suit.

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