Alma Mater Telemarketing Calls

 

You want to know my favorite phone call to receive? Yes, you guessed it! It is those automated computer voices calling to ask me if I want to switch to a new car insurance company because they can “save me loads of cash.” Sometimes I just wish there was someone human on the other end so I could tell them I get pulled over (easily) twice a year for speeding, making ‘California Stops’, etc. and that I am probably the last person they want to insure.

 

Kidding, my favorite phone calls to receive are from my alma mater, Arizona State University! Their alma mater telemarketing calls are the best! They give me a buzz a few times a year pretending to care about what I’m up to in life, how my education has helped me, blah, blah, blah,….and that they want a “donation.”

I paid you for my education while I was there, why do I need to continue to pay you money long after I’ve left?

Well, yesterday a very nice young man phoned me and this is how I handled this particular phone call asking me for cash:

ASU Telemarketer: Good Evening, Ashley! This is Trevor from the ASU Alumni Association.

Ashley: Ugh, It’s you again.

Trevor: (laughs) Yes, it is us again. I am just phoning to see how your education has benefitted you in the career world?

Ashley: Hmmm… I got a job at Trader Joe’s!! I bagged groceries. I was really good at it. Double bagger, I’m a double bagger. People love when you double bag their groceries..and I never put the bread/eggs on the bottom. I was also a great ‘sample giver’. More so the ‘sample police’, people take A LOT of samples. 

ASU Telemarketer: I’m sorry..what?

Ashley: Nothing, nevermind. Trevor, do you want me to be honest with you?

Trevor: Yes, of course.

Ashley: Well, to be honest, I don’t remember a damn thing from college. The only thing I can tell you is that I had to take Religions of the World twice and that I did a shit ton of memorization. Do you want to know what college did for me? It taught me accountability. It taught me that the distinctive bridge between high school and college was the no one gave a shit. You are sick and couldn’t make finals? “TOUGH!” Someone stole your car with your homework in the backseat? “Hope you had insurance and a back-up copy on your computer!” It taught me that life is tough. It prepared me for the real worldbearere. It prepared me for adulthood in ways of taking responsibility, and that no one will look out for me the way I will look out for me. It was a good lesson. A very expensive, four year lesson, but a great one that was definitely worth its weight in gold.

Trevor: Okay…So how are you using your education now? I see you graduated with an Interdisciplinary Degree in Communication and Human Development.

Ashley: HM. Well, I decided to hop on over to San Diego my senior year of college and start a company….that has absolutely nothing to do with human development nor communication. I did make a human though, so that sort of falls into the whole ‘human development’ part of my degree, right?

Trevor: ((no words))

Ashley: Trevor, how old are you?

Trevor: 20

Ashley: I’m assuming you are a student at ASU as most of the Alumni telemarketers are?

Trevor: That’s correct. I am working towards my degree in BioChemistry with hopes to go to dental school. I’d really love to be a dentist.

 

Ashley: Well, here’s a piece of advice: Stick with it. You will graduate with your bachelors degree and feel completely accomplished. You will want to run with the pack and try to find a job. Let me tell ya, I had a difficult time even being hired at a fucking grocery store. Times are tough. Stick it out—-go and get your DDS and become a dentist. Do you know how much money I’ve paid my dentist this year alone? It’s an immeasurable number. I suggest taking the route less traveled and really going for it—-become a dentist, find a trade that requires a particular degree and be damn good at it. You will take out loads in student loans but you know what? Life is expensive regardless which direction you take—-so you may as well rack up student loans and become one of the best damn dentists in Arizona.

Trevor: Wow.

Ashley: Yeah, I know. Shit is rough. I hate to bearer of bad news.

Trevor: I’m only making $7.50 an hour right now.

Ashley: Wow. That is bullshit.

Trevor: I know.

Ashley: You’d better hope they don’t record these calls, you’d be fired for telling me that. On a better note though, they may never phone me again for a donation….

Trevor: (laughs) How was Trader Joe’s?

Ashley: It was wonderful. They are a great company to work for, amazing actually. I sure as hell didn’t start at $7.50 an hour though—-however, I live in California where I’m sure minimum wage is different. You should leave this telemarketing gig! Go apply at Trader Joe’s! That would be far more fun for a young 20 year-old-college-student than sitting at a desk all day trying to collect money off graduates who are still paying off debt…

Trevor: That’s a good idea!

Ashley: Well there you go. I know of a few locations near campus that you can apply at and I’m sure they’d hire a nice guy like you—hell, it’s worth a shot, your job must be AWFUL.

Trevor: Ha!

Ashley: Alright, sorry, I have no donation today. I probably won’t for another three years so put me on your call back list for 36 months, or never.

Trevor: Thanks Ashley!

Ashley: Have a great day!

I am a telemarketer’s dream NIGHTMARE if you’re trying to get money out of me. However, if you are looking for unsolicited advice, I am the best person to phone. I never hang up…unless you are a computer automated voice.. those automated assholes don’t count.

 

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