Ten Times I Was Wrong About Life:
1. That the Real Housewives would be good for my psyche.
Okay, maybe I didn’t really think that– but there is nothing better than sitting down and enjoying a good ol’ episode of Real Housewives. I became so obsessed that I had all of their first and last names memorized–and even the majority of their children’s names. It was when I started buying autobiographies of Real Housewives that I realized I really needed to slow my roll.
I am 468 days sober from Real Housewives, but who’s counting…?
2. That childbirth would go according to plan.
BAHAHAHAHA! What a fool I was, amiright?! Young, doe eyed and excited lead me to believe every word that fell out of the hospital tour guide’s mouth: “You’ll be comfortable bringing a blessed new life into this world while relaxing in one of our maternity suites!”
Comfortable? Yes, if you count a nine and a half pound baby trying to squeeze out of my vagina for 22 hours “comfortable.” Or, when that part didn’t work out and you decided to slice her out like a butterball turkey; I was BEYOND comfortable. NOT.
And “suite”? Um, how about “the place you will experience the most pain in your entire life and you’ll remember everything from what arm your IV was inserted, to the equestrian border along the hospital walls.”
3. Having a newborn would be WONDERFUL!
The tiny little clothes! Decorating the nursery! Completing your baby registry while galavanting the aisles of Babies R’ Us with a scanning gun…. SO. MUCH. JOY!
News flash: YOU ARE ALL LIARS! Newborns aren’t wonderful, they are terrifying. I was worried about EVERYTHING: scared of my little’s wobbly head, that I wasn’t feeding her enough, to even getting her wet in the bathtub. OH! And the umbilical cord? GOOD LORD DOES THAT THING STINK– it’s like something out of a zombie movie!
And, holy hell do babies CRY. I knew I wouldn’t get much sleep- I just missed the memo about NEVER EVER SLEEPING AGAIN.
I think a better way to describe becoming a new mother is: “You’ll learn to be like that guy Cesar from Dog Whisperer, but instead, you’ll do it with humans and it will take about 18 years vs. a couple weeks– but don’t worry! YOU GOT THIS.”
4. Having a family pet is part of the American Dream.
Again. Another lie. I love my pets, but they are about as much work (and expense) as my human child. They make my family laugh and we enjoy having them around, don’t get me wrong, but Christ on a cracker! Doggy Dental Plans? Senior Canine Package? I’m not old enough to tap into my canine Medicare, so I’m schlepping out $700.00 every time I take my
senior citizen DOG to the vet. My dog needs ObamaCare. Anal gland cleaning? MY ASS. I don’t even get my anal glands cleaned!
5. $100,000 a year will build you a beautifully comfortable life.
LIES. If you live in California, that is. My husband and I went to look at houses to see what was available in the four bedroom range, and to see what we qualified for. Turns out we can’t even afford to purchase a piece a land to park a motorhome.
Which leads me to number six….
6. California is the greatest place on the planet to live!
Okay, maybe it is…. if you have unlimited funds and don’t mind paying $5.99 for a gallon of milk and $8.00 for a pound of ground beef. Our accountant must think we are buying cocaine at the grocery store when we’re really purchasing chicken nuggets and coffee creamer. California is great to visit– but expensive as hell to live.
7. That I’d Never Wear Mom Jeans
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my gawd. I don’t even know where to start with this one. I remember poking fun at my mom back in the day for wearing “mom jeans.” Little did I know she’d be the one helping me pick out my first pair after child birth. They are comfortable as fuck and let’s just face it, we are all happier in mom jeans. Nothing quite like wearing a pair of low riders and bending down to pick up your child’s backpack at school and showing half the school your tiger stripes and muffin top.
Hey- I am proud of my tiger-striped body; I just prefer not to show it to a bunch of second and third graders.
8. That being an adult will be GREAT!
When I was in high school, I wanted to be an adult SO bad, I moved out three days after I graduated high school. Now? All I want to do is move back home and live with my parents. Remember when the mail came and it was a birthday card with a check from Grandma? Retrieving the mail back then was EXCITING- now it’s terrifying. I think I’m going to move back home– or if anyone has any vacancies for a family of three (plus two dogs and a rabbit), let me know– I’ve got the PERFECT family for you!
9. I’d Love Helping My Child with elementary homework.
First off, Common Core is the biggest load of bullshit.
I graduated university and I cannot complete a second-grade math sheet. Why is my daughter in the third grade and doing calculus?
And WHAT THE HELL IS A “WORD PROBLEM” or a “NUMBER BOND”?!
I need to go back to elementary school just to help my eight-year-old with her third-grade math homework.
10. I’d always keep my body properly groomed.
When I was in college- I was nicely groomed. I had my eyebrows waxed every two weeks, I didn’t have a Tom Selleck mustache; I had things going for me then.
Now? Well, now I am some sort of human-ape combo. It’s not the best look. And, hey! Why didn’t anyone tell me that as you age, you lose hair on your head and start growing it in other places that I’m pretty sure hair is NOT supposed to grow?
I call BULLSHIT again.
I’m sure I’ll think of more crap I was wrong about- but until now, friends, that’s all.
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