Victoria’s Secret- ‘Supermodel Collection’

So I came across an ad online while doing my daily perusing of awesome scores. I’m sort of like a heroin addict when it comes to finding stupid crap online. Need a Kitchenaid mixer for a hundred bucks because you are too cheap to pay 3 Benjamin’s for it? Call me. While itching for my best score for the week, I found Victoria’s Secret had an offer: $25 off a hundred, $50 off $150, and $75 off $250.… I started with the first-$25 off $100. Then I realized there is just no way I can handle only buying a few pairs of stretchy pants. I added a couple tunics and some other useless stuff to the purchase and was up to the qualifying amount for $50 off. Then they showed me the free underwear that I’d get if I upped the anti. I was in. I was well on my way to $250 with the $75 off and a FREE PAIR OF UNDERPANTS!! Come on, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t have done the same for a lace pair of underwear that you know you will never wear because they have ‘wedgie’ written all over them. I wondered over to the PINK section. You know, the one that has all of its advertisements with 12 year old girls that haven’t yet hit puberty? Yeah, that part of the website. I imagine it to be somewhat what hell is like.. A bunch of young girls wearing ‘workout’ clothes and bathing suits that people like you and I will actually be wearing… Because frankly, no 12 year old can afford to spend $50 dollars on a pair of ‘yoga’ pants for their high school PE class. Anyways, I’m rambling.So I started looking at the swimsuits. ‘Yes, I definitely need a new swimsuit to remind me how much I fucking hate swimsuit season’ I thought to myself. I found a somewhat acceptable swimsuit and was up to my $250 mark and now had an awesome pair off free underwear, two tunics, and my 12 year old pre-pubescent swimsuit… And a bunch of other shit I didn’t need.
Four days later…. My package arrives!! Even though I knew the swimsuit was in there, I still got that feeling when you get a special package in the mail! It was bittersweet. I tore out my ‘free underpants’ and re-realized that I would never wear them. Lace boy shorts are just not my thing. I prefer underwear I can actually bend over to pick something up in without that feeling of a wedgie so uncomfortable I can’t fathom even having a conversation until it is ((discreetly)) ‘fixed’.

Next came the swimsuit– whipped it out– it was adorable! You know, in that way that 0-3 month newborn clothes are. I ripped my clothes off and went in my room to try it on!
I put the top on first. Seeing my diet consists mainly of demo samples and endless guzzling of coffee to stay awake and friendly to the ‘sample robbers’ at TJs demo station- the top actually did fit. I was pleased. I then put the ‘bottoms’ on. Well, first off, they were not ‘bottoms’. Well, at least not by the social acceptability of what is appropriate to wear to a pool I take my child to play with her friends at. These were like sexy lingerie underpants to wear behind a double locked door.
I stared at my (almost) 30 year old read end in the mirror and laughed. I looked ridiculous. These ‘MEDIUM’ PINK bottoms were definitely not medium. This is where my ‘purchase regret’ settled in. I looked at my beautifully tiger striped sides (stretch marks) bulging out the top sides of these adorabbbllleeee bottoms and decided all this greatness should only be reserved for my husband… Or my friends I’m comfortable enough to be naked in front of. I made the humble decision of calling VS to return them. The lady advised me to take them back to the store where I could pick something else out.

The lady at the store was very kind and chipper and I told her I had two returns: my leggings designed for someone 6’6 and my teeny weeny bikini bottoms. I asked her who in the world could wear these–?? I pulled my goods out of the bag and showed her my returns.. She said ‘Ohhhh, these are from the supermodel collection’. Without skipping a beat, I said ‘what? Is my lack of makeup, my old ratty stretchy pants (the very reason that motivated my insane spending splurge) and my yesterday’s mascara smudged under my eyes hiding from the fact that I am, in fact, Giselle Bundchen?!?!? She laughed. I did not. She directed me towards the ‘regular sized’ people swimsuit bottoms– they were a little better– like the ones you see in the little girls section at Target. I grabbed every bikini bottom in size LARGE that would match my PINK top, (what? You think I would surrender that top after she told me something about some supermodel collection that I actually did fit into??!! Uh, NO) and headed to the dressing room. As soon as I was in a bikini again and looking at myself in the mirror I started sweating. The lovely lady started knocking on the door: “Ashley, how are the bottoms working out?!?!?’ I assured her the muffin top was still there. I grabbed my size large bottoms and ran to the register for the exchange. At least these bottoms wouldn’t have me arrested for indecent exposure…

All this bitching leads me to this: To the dummies who are designing these swimsuits: you’re a real bunch of assholes. These PINK swimsuits would be more appropriately fitted for my six year old. Start making swimsuits that actually fit my friends and I or I’m just going to start rolling naked to the community pool– it’d be nearly the same coverage as your stupid swimsuits and WAY less expensive. That, or showing up in one of these PINK swimsuits of yours and standing in your display case at all shopping malls in San Diego to show all the ladies what amazing coverage they have.
Love, Ashley
P.S. I don’t like you!