You know, I spent a lot of my life disliking animals. Sure, I loved the occasional puppy or kitten, but overall, I was really turned off by animals.
It started with a bunny my parents bought me in 4th grade after months of my begging. I loved that bunny so much; he roamed our home, my sister and I played with him as if he were a dog; he was awesome. Growing up in Arizona, outside wasn’t much of an option for the little guy, so we’d relocate his cage to the backyard for fresh air in the early mornings and bring him back in as soon as it started to heat up. One morning, my sister and I placed him outside for his morning shenanigans and….forgot about him. We went to our piano recital and out to lunch afterwards to celebrate our horrible rendition of Beethoven, and came home to a stiff-as-a-board, dead bunny. I was crushed. It was one of the most devastating days of my childhood- knowing that I was a animal murderer.
My parents bought my sister and I a black lab when we moved into a home more suitable for a dog, but I never forgot about my accidental bunny-murdering ways.
Then, during grade school, I had a friend who had a plethora of pets. And, all her pets had medical problems. She had a bird with a plucking problem, a dog with a internal drainage problem, and a real bitch of a cat.
So, I decided I just really wasn’t an animal person; I’d accidentally killed one, my best friend’s animals creeped me the hell out, and overall, it just wasn’t working out for me.
That lasted for about two years after I moved out of my parents place upon high school graduation. Sure enough, my true love for animals crept back in, and my junior year of college, I told Justin, my then boyfriend turned husband, that I HAD to have a Yorkie. Sweet Justin loved his Smash so much that on Valentines Day, he gifted me with Brody.
We moved out to San Diego a year and a half later and seeing Brody was so awesome, we decided to add another Yorkie to the mix.
((As it would turn out, neither of our dogs were Yorkies. One was a Yorkie/Dachshund mix, also known as a DORKIE, and Madden is some mix of Yorkie, Maltese, and Satan.))
Here enters the largest asshole (in the smallest body) on the planet: Madden.
Madden was the ONLY black puppy in the litter, the rest were all a shade of light brown. Of course, this just screamed “He HAS to be awesome by that alone! The only black dog in the litter– he is probably the Albert Einstein of dogs! I must have the Albert Einstein of dogs– and name him something ridiculous, like ‘Madden.'”
Now, mind you, Madden is pretty effin’ adorable– but he is no wiser than a box of rocks. Honestly, I’m kind of surprised that he is still alive.
Things Madden has both done and survived:
– eaten half his body weight in chocolate
– eaten half an onion
– chewed and digested an assortment of plastic dinosaurs
– managed to get his entire head stuck in a Chex-Mix bag so tightly, I actually had to hold one half of his body down in order to remove the bag of OFF his head.
Every move we’ve made, all 6 times, of course, we’ve brought the dogs along with us. Because that’s what you do– you can’t leave them behind for the new owner/renter, and if you ever drop a dog off at a shelter, well, I’d imagine the backlash to be similar to the reactions I experienced when exiting Planned Parenthood where I used to purchase my $16 birth control pills in college.
We’ve lived in the house we live in now for a little over two years. It has a decent-ish yard for a home in San Diego and plenty of space for two very small animals to roam.
When we moved in, we noticed that the home had a TON of tile flooring, so, I went on a quest for a super-sized area rug. Do you have any idea how much a super sized area rug costs? Furthermore, a decent quality, won’t slip across the tile floor and kill you, area rug costs?
If you don’t know, allow me to enlighten you— and this is off Amazon AND on sale!
So, I did what I always do and went to my second best friend, (right before Amazon), Craigslist. The entire month prior to our move in, I SCOURED Craigslist.
After a month of looking at disgusting area rugs (seriously, you should look at the shit people deem worthy to be sold for cash on Craigslist), I found THE PERFECT one.
It was GARGANTUAN. It probably weighed closed to 200lbs (rolled up) and was 16’X 10′. It was HUGE and AMAZING! And, even better, seeing I sent my husband and told the lady she didn’t have to deliver it, I scored it for $80.00! They spent nearly $2,000 on this rug and it had NOT ONE stain on it, and I scored it for 80 BUCKS! To date, it is my proudest score–unless, one day I can convince get the dinosaur bicycle man to come down in price by $1,900.
I took EXCELLENT care of that rug. I even bought a $900 vacuum on a payment plan to vacuum it’s deep, beautiful, tan strands.
However, about a year ago, we started noticing a faint smell to our home. At first, we couldn’t quite place our finger on it. Within time, we realized that it smelled like PEE. Our house smelled like URINE.
We found a spot that our dog, Brody, was peeing at by the back door, and quickly realized that, in his old age of 72, Brody needed to be let out more often to pee. So, we let Brody out more often and figured we had solved our problem.
But, the smell continued! So, we had the home professionally cleaned and the carpets in each bedroom shampooed and cleaned out the entire house.
Roughly a week ago, we all came home from vacation and took one whiff of our house when we walked in the door. You know when you are away from your home for a while and return, you smell your home the same way everyone else does when they first walk in? Yeah, we smelled that, and it smelled like pee.
So, this weekend we decided to move ALL the furniture off the gargantuan rug. Justin and I flipped that beast-of-a-rug over, and sure enough–PEE. Gallons of dog urine graced my beautiful, tan, “I’ll-never-score-a-deal-like-that-in-my-lifetime” area rug.
I felt RAGE. I was SO angry, and judging by the little TINY urine spots, I know EXACTLY what asshole it was—MADDEN.
So, yesterday, I took my box cutter and cut the pee carpet apart so we could haul it off to the dumpster.
Just when I thought Madden was the DUMBEST dog on the planet, I realized that he may actually have a brain cell, or two, seeing that once he saw me chopping up the area rug, he disappeared for a few hours under the bed to hide–which is an area I should also likely inspect.
So, to sum it up, Madden the Asshole has been mistaking my beautiful STEAL OF A DEAL area rug for a plush beige lawn that he likely doesn’t dream about, and peeling all over it— for two years.
What I uncovered when I tore up that area rug is honestly too gross to share– so, I’ll show you my half way progress when I stopped to catch my breath and consume a
shot GLASS of alcohol while the thoughts of letting him wander right on out the front door (forever) flooded my mind:
In other news, my home has this great new smell. A very “my home doesn’t smell like dog urine” scent.
If you enjoyed this post, or you hated it because it really is disgusting, however, still enjoy the majority of my stories, please click the brown banner below! Just a click and you’ve voted for me! That’s it and it helps A LOT!!! And P.S. I love my dogs. I swear. They just REALLY piss me off. Pun intended…