To All Who Visit the DMV:
Alright, there are a few places in life that you know for certain you will be in close proximity to those around you. A few of these places include, however, are not limited to: airports, airplanes, some college lecture halls, certain stores at the mall that are having blow-out sales, and always, the DMV.
I had a nice little visit to the DMV today to retrieve tags for my vehicle that never made it to me after paying for them over two months ago. Some cop in Rancho Santa Fe decided that it would be a good idea to give me a ticket for not having my current tags displayed, therefore, I decided it to be a good idea to make a ‘quick’ pit stop at the DMV to pick up my tags.
While sitting there in the crowd, which felt like what I’d imagine a Woodstock crowd to feel like, I really understood why the DMV is one of the most disliked places on the planet. We are seated on chairs that may as well be bleachers. It takes the ‘can of sardines’ reference to an entirely new level.
I walked into the stinky, clammy, loud office and grabbed a number and sat down. I am easily distracted but after 20 minutes scanning Facebook on my iPhone, I was really ready to go. I started picking at my nails and then realized my head hurt from the 900 children screaming. I really feel bad for people that have to tote their children along to the DMV. I mean, hey, I get it—I don’t have any family that lives in San Diego but I would find someone, anyone, to watch my crazy child long before I would bring her to the DMV to hang for 3 hours for registration tags. At her age, any amount of time waiting to receive anything less than the newest Disney movie toy, well, she would disown me. Now, I am not talking SOME kids, I am literally telling you there were more kids in attendance than DMV employees and patrons… and I actually really enjoy children. This was just fucking overload.
I was seated next to a lady with a baby and she had her iPhone out and she was playing, on maximum volume ’I’m A Little Teapot’ for her baby. I have been to rock concerts where the music wasn’t as loud as her teapot song. Just to make it a bit more exciting, SHE STARTED SIGNING TOO! I thought it couldn’t get any worse until someone else sat down next to me. I immediately started looking around because I smelled salt and vinegar chips! ‘A VENDING MACHINE! YES!’ I was so excited…until I realized it wasn’t a bag of chips I was smelling… It was the lady who sat down next to me. I was crushed. Not only did she smell really bad (yet, deceptively like my favorite snack)—she ruined my love for salt and vinegar chips—for life. This lesson would fall under: ‘Always Bathe Before Visiting the DMV’.
I decide to look in a different direction and let my A.D.D. get the best of me.. for once. I start scanning the line of people waiting to get their numbers before they’d come join the ‘fun pit’ with me, ‘salt and vinegar’, and ‘little teapot’. I noticed that there were several people without eyebrows. When did this become a trend? Look, I had an ‘over-plucking’ incident that happened in 7th grade that I have never fully recovered from but I’ve made sure to never touch them by myself since. I wonder if people actually take a razor to their face and just shave them off completely? Is Marilyn Manson making a come back?
Lastly, I think the DMV should have a dress code. If I have to wear a shirt and shoes to the gas station, you should have to wear a shirt that covers your nipples to my three hour visit at Department of Motor Vehicles.
The experience was really intense. If you gain anything from my experience, I’d hope it would be to wear deodorant, not sing along to teapot songs when you are within a 4 inch radius of anyone who doesn’t have a clear escape plan mapped out, and ladies—ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS WEAR A BRA IF YOUR SHIRT IS SEE THROUGH….unless you are planning to troll for men at the DMV…