‘Tell It to the Judge!’

 I have spent a lot of quality/crazy time with Haydan the past couple weeks. She was out sick from school all last week with a rip roaring cold/cough (but still carries on her normal shenanigans) and then took her to Phoenix with me for some business stuff. Thus far, these are my highlights: 

1. I got pulled over on the way here from San Diego by highway patrol. I had my effin cruise control on at 83 thinking that was a completely acceptable speed in the middle of no where as other cars cruised passed my mom mobile on the right side of the road. Officer approaches my door and as he walks up, I shit you not, Haydan screams from the backseat (notebook and paper in hand) ‘MOM! How do you spell jail?!’ The officer assures her he does not plan on taking me to jail. Rather than looking seemingly relieved, she looks annoyed. Like visiting mom in the state penitentiary was actually on her six-year old bucket list. As the officer goes to write my, not one, but TWO tickets… Haydan rambles on about the type of driver I am. He comes back with my tickets (plural) and tells me I should eliminate my ‘under 85, no ticket’ philosophy. Just as he is walking away Haydan screams ‘ahh, TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!’ I was not even mortified at this point– I was terrified that he was going to actually arrest me this time. I’m sure there is some law about telling the highway patrol to ‘tell it to the judge!’ I was so beyond rattled by this point I didn’t even know what to do/say. She then proceeds to tell me how unremarkably handsome the officer was and how she really liked his mustache and his tan skin. I agreed with her and told him that he was handsome and very nice… especially seeing that he didn’t take her to kiddie jail (kidding…sort of). She then proceeds to tell me for the next 30 miles about exactly what her dream man looks like and how tan skin and mustaches are really “handsome looking.”

2. We ate dinner with my amazing in laws and brother in law tonight and she was back on her Comedy Central routine. I have just about had enough of her at this point and am ready to put her to bed… Or drop her at the Phoenix Zoo for the night… I opened the car door and said: “Come on, get in the car, dude!” She looks at me and says ‘do I look like a man to you?!’ I jokingly replied “Yep!” She then proceeds to lift up her dress in the MIDDLE OF THE PARKING LOT and ever so loudly says: “Alright, well where’s my tail then?!?!?” At this point I was not into her comedy act anymore and screamed “INAPPROPRIATE!!! Pull your dress down and get in the damn car!!!!” I know onlookers were probably amused but what the hell?!? Overnight she has turned into a total crazy tiny person! I’m blaming it on the cough medicine! It’s ever so funny to those around me but if she keeps this up, I’m going to have a kid who streaks through parking lots and will be ‘telling it to the judge’ herself! Ahh!!

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