Skinny Jeans: Satan Made Them

It’s happened three times now. I’ve fallen completely over when trying to remove my “skinny jeans.” I’d imagine this number to be higher if I put on pants with an actual zipper more frequently, but three it is for now. For now…

Not long ago, I posted to Facebook that I fell over while trying to take off a pair of “skinny jeans” I was wearing. Apparently, I wasn’t alone- this has happened to others; this is an epidemic that many women, and men, face daily (the ones who wear pants each day). This is why I love you guys so much- you make me feel less alone when I share my woes of walking into sliding glass doors, waving at people who aren’t waving at me, and agreeing with me that dinosaurs are going to come back to us one day, etc.

Anyways, I given a lot of thought about this “skinny jean” experience, er, experiences and these continued, and unfortunate events have got me thinking…

Why does this keep happening?

What is wrong with me?

Now, one could come to a few conclusions about such experiences:

1. Maybe, my balance is off? I should possibly look into yoga; I mean, a normal human being should be able to remove her pants without falling over, right? Yoga is supposed to help with balance, and being healthy…and all that other great crap, right?

2. Maybe I have one of those crystal rock-type things stuck in my ear, thus impairing my balance? That could also be it.

3. Maybe I am just getting older? I hear age does weird shit to you. I’ve been plucking my grey hairs lately, and I’ve noticed they are growing back with vengeance at rapid speed. This has caused a nervous tick in my left eye. Or, that could be from the Costco glasses that I purchased to help me see because my health insurance is a complete joke, and I’m now a 30 year old grown up who pays 1K/month for health care, yet doesn’t have dental or vision care. Figure that one out.

OR

FOUR: “Skinny Jeans” were invented by Satan himself–because in what universe does it make sense to “slip” off a pair of jeans where the ankle opening is roughly 3 inches wide? Sure, I can swan-dive into them with my feet in the perfect ballerina position, but there is no “swan diving” OUT of skinny jeans, there just isn’t.

You have two feet; they are roughly 9 inches, individually. How in the ACTUAL FUCK are you supposed to get yourself OUT of a pair of jeans with a three inch diameter? I mean, logically, it makes no damn sense! They are skinny jeans (therefore, TIGHT AS HELL), so you can’t pull them UP to position your foot in the proper swan-like/ballerina position as you did when you put them on, in order to get them OFF. You are left sweaty, frustrated, hungry from all the work you’ve just invested trying to get out of your Satan jeans, so you contemplate just wearing them to bed.

And then you remember how much you love wearing stretchy pants to bed, which then makes you contemplate why you ever decided to put on a pair of pants in the first place. Here you are, trying to look like you’ve at least put forth some effort for the day by getting dressed and putting on a pair of pants, but now your “skinny jeans” are trying to succumb you to the devil himself. Or, maybe “skinny jeans” are just the devil disguised in denim? It could be that, too…

Now, I’m currently left in a complete conundrum.

Bell Bottoms or No Bottoms?

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