We went to do the traditional Christmas photos for our annual Christmas card a few weeks ago. In typical fashion, we got lost….with the navigation system in full operation. Yeah, we are that big of a mess.
We pulled into a parking lot to do a U-turn and as we were about the pull out, a man in an SUV rear ended us. Thankfully, everyone was fine. We traded all that important information that you are supposed to keep in the glove compartment. Mine was tucked under 14 bags of Wet Wipes, three melted Burt’s Bees chapsticks, Barbies, and a few CD’s I’m a bit too embarrassed to mention I own.
After a quick treasure hunt, I unveiled all that important crap that Justin tells me to keep handy at all times. ‘For as many speeding tickets you’ve had in your life, I’m shocked you don’t have this shit within arms reach…better yet, our insurance policy number tattooed to your body.’ Justin blabbed.
We swapped info with the other driver and we were on our way to the photoshoot with no serious injuries and minimal damage to either vehicles.
Once we arrived to the correct destination, Justin mentioned that his back hurt. ‘Do you think it’s from being rear ended?’ I asked to him. He assured me he’d likely be fine and we went about our day and had a great time shooting our Christmas photos. Looking back, Justin did look a little pained in some of the shots…
The next morning Justin woke up and could barely walk. He made it half way through his work-day and came home looking like an old man about to transition to his new walker and life alert lanyard.
Smash: Oh my gosh- I think you’re actually hurt.
Justin: Me too. This is awful. I think I need to go to the doctor.
Smash: Do you even have a doctor?
Justin and I have lived in San Diego since 2005. I think he has been the to doctor twice. Once for a tetanus shot when he sliced his finger open…and I had to physically drag him there. And the other time? I have no idea, likely picking me up from the doctor. That’s how often he goes.
He ended up at the urgent care and the doctor gave him a prescription to relax the back muscles and rattled out something about the changes your body goes through as you age. Apparently, your body sucks as you get older. Who fucking knew it happened this soon?
Shortly later, I woke up and my neck felt like it weighed 300lbs and was about to fall off my body. I couldn’t look right or left and was in excruciating pain. ‘There is no way this can be from the accident, it’s not as if our car was totaled?!’ I exclaimed to Justin as he was using the countertop as a walker to make it to the medicine cabinet. ‘It has to be, go to the doctor. Where is the fucking Ibuprofen? Do you have some magical oil in that doTerra oil collection? You’d better. Your monthly purchases with them are roughly the same as your car payment.’
I threw the ibuprofen bottle at him (really wanting to secretly dose his lippy mouth with NyQuil or a Costco sleeping pill) and made myself an appointment to see the doctor.
I visited her the next day and she determined X-Ray’s would be a good idea. She mentioned a neck brace but I ran out of the office before that became an actual reality.
I got a call the next day mentioning the findings relative to my neck X-Ray and then she, too, uttered the same familiar words Justin had been told: ‘As you age….’
What the hell is up with that? ‘As you age’… What an awful turn of phrase.
I came home with my prescription for the same ‘old people pills’ that Justin was also prescribed and gently eased my old ass down onto the couch next to him.
Smash: The doctor mentioned a neck brace…!
Justin: Oh, that would have been fantastic! I wonder if a neck brace limits your ability to speak….?
Smash: Oh, shut it!! What the hell is up with this shit?!
Justin: This is what happens as you age…
Smash: Can you do me a large fucking favor and never utter that phrase to me…ever? I might smack the next person who says that to me.
Justin: Well, it’s the truth. Shit changes as you get older. You can’t do the same stuff you could when you were younger and this sort of thing affects you much differently.
Smash: Bullshit! I bet I could still do a cartwheel. I AM NOT OLD.
Justin: Why don’t you give it a try, Olympian?
Smash: I would if I could get up. Shit what if they’re right…AND WE ARE GETTING OLD?!
Justin: Shit just got real, huh?!
So, I am thinking about using this situation (possibly reconsidering the neck brace) and hitting up the casino for their ‘Early Bird Buffet’. There’s one not too far from here and they have crab legs. I love crab legs. I really cannot think of another way to find the silver lining in this situation…. Can you?
Fuck getting old. I’m going to Forever 21 tonight and then hitting up the latest night club and busting out in ‘the robot’. Not because that is the only dance move I know (it is), but because right now, that is likely the only dance move I could successfully pull off….
If You Think Getting Old SUCKS,
CLICK THE BANNER!! Vote for OLD SMASH!