Santa Claus Crusher!

Dear Santa Claus Crusher:

 

Haydan and I enjoyed a day running errands yesterday and as we were about to pull into the driveway, she says to me:

 

Haydan: Momma, I need you to be honest with me. You need to tell me the truth; Is Santa Claus real?

 

I did what any normal parent with a six-going-on-14-year old would do and told her: ‘ABSOLUTELY!’

 

Ashley: Of course Santa is real. How else in the world do you think that all those presents get under the Christmas tree’s of children all over the world? Not to mention, ever notice how all of Santa’s gifts are wrapped in different paper than the gifts from friends and family?

 

Haydan: Well, my friend, she is 12, she said that your parents wrap all the gifts and put them under the tree when you are fast asleep and then they tell you that Santa brought them—-when really, that is a BIG FAT LIE. ((Yes, she said that: ‘BIG. FAT. LIE.’)

 

(((My heart started to crumble in that moment. I am not ready for this..))

 

Yeah, I realize this would have been a good opening for me to tell her the truth about Santa but, well, I am not ready to give that up! Call me selfish, but I REALLY love Christmas and I REALLY love Santa. I go to great lengths to ensure that Christmas morning is full of Jesus worshiping and Santa loving!

I remember being in second grade and noticing that all of my ‘Santa’ gifts that were wrapped in unique ‘Santa paper’ all had gift tags signed ‘XOXO’ that significantly resembled the same ‘XOXO’ that my mom famously signed on all of her birthday cards, Easter cards, etc. etc. That was my first clue and inkling…

 

Haydan is 6, and barely in first grade. I am not ready to let go of the ‘Santa is real’ idea yet. Hell, I have only enjoyed the ‘Santa is real’ phase (with Haydan) for roughly 3-4 years! (Baby years don’t count, they have no idea what the hell is going on—just that they get to tear paper off of gifts which is about 99% of the fun for them.) Let’s be real, the paper wrapping is ALL the fun. They don’t care what is on the inside of the box–they just enjoy wrapping paper and making a mess. All parents will agree with me on that one.

I am not ready to relinquish all the fun traditions our family has put together on Christmas Eve. We write little notes from Santa Claus telling Haydan how proud we are Santa and Jesus are of what a smart and sweet little girl she is, practice the Elf of the Shelf tradition (which has become a hell of a lot of fun), and, as I stated before, wrap all of Haydan’s Christmas gifts from Santa in special wrapping paper and place a little silver star on the packages so she knows which ones are from him.

When my mom made that famous slip by putting the ‘XOXO’ on the Christmas card/sticker on my gift, I sort of let it slide. It was another monumental screw up that really gave it away. I opened a gift addressed to me from Santa that was a Cookie Monster cookie counter. It was a little video game where Cookie Monster tosses cookies between his hands and you had to count how many cookies he had tossed from his right hand to his left. Yeah, it was definitely way too young of a present for someone who was in second grade and already practicing long division but, hey, who was I to judge what Santa thought was a good game for me? I never was good at math and maybe Santa was really ‘in the know’ when it came to that and believed I needed some more help on my addition and subtraction skills!

 

Out of no where, my mom yells from the other end of the Christmas tree “WAIT!!! No! Santa told me to tell you that he meant to give that to your little sister’’ AHA! I knew in that moment that Santa was not real and it was really my mom and dad pulling the strings.

 

However, at least I was given the opportunity to figure out the Santa situation on my own. I didn’t have some mean Santa spirit crushing kid do it for me!

 

So, I have a declaration to make: If your kid/s know that Santa is not real, let em’ know it is AGAINST CODE to ruin it for other youngsters. NOT COOL LITTLE KIDS!!! NOT COOL AT ALL!

 

If your kids know the truth about Santa, tell them that if they ruin it for any of the other believers, particularly mine, those kids momma bear’s (AKA ME!!!) will come and steal all their ‘non-Santa’ Christmas gifts from them.
Speaking of which, I do need some new Wii video games. I just mastered Wii tennis (sort of, actually that is a bit of a lie–I have no idea what the hell I am doing). I am sure there are a hell of a lot of other games I can steal from children underneath their Christmas trees to improve my backswing, though.

 

Fair warning: Tell my kid Santa isn’t real, I’ll steal your gifts. And, also know that if I find out down the line that my kid crushed the idea of Santa for your own child, I will steal all of her Santa gifts too–hell, I’ll save a ton of cash and I’ll take us both out for margaritas rather than buying stupid dolls that pee and poop (Baby Alive).

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I’ll Buy You a Cookie Monster Cookie Counter Circa 1991