‘Yes, Haydan is my daughter.’
‘No, my child’s last name is not the same as mine.’
‘Yes, I am her mother.’
‘No, I am not divorced.’
‘Yes, I am married…..to her father…the one with the same last name as her.’
‘Yes, she is ‘mine’ as in my daughter…’
‘No, I am not a Russian mail order bride.’
These are all questions I’ve been asked in some fashion or another—well aside from the last one in regards to being a Russian mail order bride. It is very easy to tell by others ‘looks’ as to what they are thinking when I introduce myself. I find myself saying ‘Hi, I am Haydan’s mom, Ashley Alteman, HAYDAN’S MOM, ASHLEY ALTEMAN’, as to validate the point that I am in fact, her mother.
I was born in Canada in 1984 and moved to the United States in 1990. Do you remember much from the first 6 years of your life? Yeah, me neither. My entire life, my education from 1st grade through my Bachelor’s degree, everything I’ve learned and experienced has been in the US.
Along the way, I’ve learned who the INS is. If you are unfamiliar with Immigration and Natural Service’s, let me give you a rough idea what it’s like to deal with them. Imagine the DMV….and then add like 97 more hoops to jump through, longer lines than Disney Land’s Matterhorn, FBI interrogations interviews in very close perimeters, and you pretty much get the idea. It is ONE GIANT EFFIN’ HASSLE.
Photo Credit: PublicDomainPictures.net
It took my family (Mom, Dad, Sister, & I) 10 years to receive our Permanent Resident Cards. Yes, you read that correctly, T-E-N years! My dad was not recruited by some big mega-corp to come work in the US and **poof** we all had Green Cards. He wanted to start his own company, in Arizona of all places. Don’t ask me why the hottest place on the planet was his desired destination to set up shop. Regardless, we took the old fashioned route—-and it took A LONG ASS TIME.
When we finally received our Green Card’s in 2006 I was a couple weeks away from getting married….to an AMERICAN. YIPEE! I could now become an ACTUAL American Citizen! However, my Green Card would last me ten years, ironically the same amount of time it took my family to get our new ‘Permanent Resident’ status. After all the shit we went through to get the damn cards, I was just happy to have something in my hands that allowed me to get a REAL paying job…so I never applied for citizenship!
Within a few months of marriage, I found out I was pregnant. Before I knew it, my husband and I had a baby girl. While filling out the birth certificate as all new parents do, I realized my new human I/we created wasn’t going to have the same last name as her own mother.
I was so damn tired that I didn’t really care for the first few years of her life. However, now nearly seven years into the parenting game, it’s sort of starting to peeve me that my kid’s name is not the same as mine. She will write our little family’s name down on paper with colorful markers; her and her dad’s will be perfectly written and then she gets half-way through mine and sort of gives up. ‘Why do you not have the same last name as me, Momma?’ is a frequent question. I tell her ‘I’m a leader and follow no man!’ or ‘There is no law that says you must change your last name when you become married.’ or my favorite, ‘It’s old fashioned. I’m not old. Fashionable? Yes. Old? Not yet.’
However, at this juncture, with classroom contact sheets (with parents first & last names), over-the-top security checks for parents volunteers (with full names printed on laminated badges), signatures on e-mails, introductions at school, parents saving my name into their iPhone to arrange ‘Play Dates’, it is beginning to feel a little awkward.
I’m assuming that most parents/teachers at her school just assume I am her nanny, the babysitter, her older sister (haha, I’m flattering myself..), her dad’s mistress, whatever.
The most fun is the doctor’s office. I called to get an up-to-date vaccination record last week. I spoke to the nurse who informed me she’d leave it at the front desk. She indicated I’d need photo ID to receive the records. ‘Will my last name being different from Haydan’s pose a problem?’ I asked. ‘Hmmmmm. I will figure that one out! Don’t worry!’ Thankfully the nurse wrote on the envelope: ‘HAYDAN VACCINATION RECORD *Being picked up by mother-Ashley Alteman*’ My legal name to clearly not be mistaken!
I starred at that envelope for quite some time. It really bothered me. It’s so stupid—-it’s JUST A NAME!! However, I baked that little human in my womb for a long ass time and while she may have my eyes and my killer sense of humor, we do not share the same last name..and it bugs me.

Momma’s Sense of Humor
My Permanent Resident card expires in 2016. As much as I want to continue to linger in my feminist ways, it’s a name that binds the three of us together….until some man takes her away from me and steals her last name from her—-unless she takes my lead, or becomes a lesbian.
Regardless, I have downloaded the forms to become a U.S. Citizen. I’m sure that process will be complicated enough (Just the test portion alone is frightening—presidents, wars, branches of government, everything I’m sure I learned/forgot in high school.), but I’m beginning to think that I might just take that extra step and make my legal name the same as my family’s. The family my husband and I created, not the one my parents did.

21 PAGES!!
A small flashback as Smash as a ‘model high school student’

Circa 2001

Circa 2001
It will be painful to relinquish ‘Alteman’ for many reasons, primarily ones that involve dealing with INS, the DMV, and renouncing my ‘loyalty to Canada’ (as the pamphlet says)…but it’s time. I can’t keep up the facade as a Russian mail order bride for much longer. I’m awful with accents and I don’t think I’m fooling anyone…
INS….HERE I COME!!! I wonder if I can change my legal name to Smash while I’m there?
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Yes, INS I will vouch for Ashley. She loves our country and contributes to our culture. We will be lucky to keep her. She’s been married for a long time already, so I think the option to veto her citizenship should have passed already. You’re right big brother, I’ll just stick to what I know about taxes. But please vote her in so we can keep her. Thanks!
hahaha YES! I will print this out and bring it with me! I’m sure the officer would love that. HEY, there was some type of ‘deport Justin Bieber’ thing going around and he broke the law…multiple times & they kept him around! Me? MODEL CITIZEN! Clearly you can tell from my blog?! lol
It’s funny, one of the reasons I decided to take my husband’s last name when we got married was specifically so I would have the same last name as my children. Though I sometimes feel like I’m in the minority–a lot of my friends have kept their maiden names. Working with children for so many years, I just became accustomed to moms have different last names from their kids. Maybe it’s a northeast thing? No matter what, good luck with the whole process!
Well shit Bev–now you’re making me re-think my decision!!! lol. I REALLLLLLY don’t want to fill out the 21 pages of paperwork and pay all the money..and then add an entire name change into the mix while I’m there. errrrr.
You are awesome Ashley! Haha, I hate the DMV with a passion so I can’t imagine what this branch of government dishes out. Good luck and personally, I think it’s so worth it 😉 I love having our own little family unit and sharing the same last name all together. It’s a great, unifying feeling. I understand though, it was totally hard to get used to at first. I kept my maiden name as my middle name and I love it that way now 🙂 it’s fun to say things with my kids like ‘Perkins don’t give up’ or something cheesy but fun like that and we are all in it together… ( not sure I made a whole lot of sense with that last one… I probably need to go to bed! 😉 either way, I love it and I wish you luck!!!
Hahaha. This is great. I’m getting ready to go through a name change in about 7 months when we get married. Then after that the adoption process will start for the girls so they can have the same last name as the rest of the household. I hate that we have 3 last names in the house right now. It sucks going to CVS and having them call me by the girls’ last name… that ish has gots to go. Like NOW hahaha.
Oh my gosh, I cannot imagine having to do it for yourself and the three girls!! Not to mention, throwing in adoption into the mix too! Here I am complaining about just me! lol Good Luck Lauren! xo
I grew up with a SUPER common name, so I was very excited to take my hubby’s last name. I did it right away! ha! That pic of you and your daughter in the car is so cute!
That makes sense! I’ve never met one person with the same spelling as my last name!!
haha–that picture is a total image of what our life is like together–NUTS! lol
I almost didn’t change my name when I got married. It was such a pain in the ass. But, I am glad I did. Good luck with the paperwork. I’ll send booze. You will need it. I have been through immigration paperwork twice with my kids. Ugh.
UGH I cannot imagine having to do it with children! my poor parents had to deal with it too when my sister and I were REALLY young! I remember the lines and I was like 6!!
I couldn’t wait to change my last name once I got married. My family is crazy and not in the fun sense of the word. Not only that my maiden name has been a pain in my ass most of my life. It is a hard to pronounce German name that no one has ever gotten right lol Good luck with your name change.
My last name is german too! Everyone spells it incorrectly!
I have my dad’s name, the guy that left when I was 2. My mum hasn’t remarried despite being with my stepdad for 16 years as she knew my dad wouldn’t let her change my surname, now I’m over 18 she has no excuse!
Go for it! Hell, change it to something bad ass like dinosaur! Alice Dinosaur! That would be AWESOME. I’ll do it with you.
OK, I just commented on your “getting old” post and I now know what year you were born and I just want to say you don’t know what old is honey. You can guide my freaking walker. Umkay? I was born in 1964. Yes that’s a six. I could be your mofo mother. OMG. You are so not old and I don’t want to hear any more lip about it. Got it? OK, sorry, rant over. Blame it on menopause. Love ya’ XOXOXOXO and Merry Christmas!
hahahaha Jenny! Put a girl in her place!! I will guide your walker!! Merry Christmas! 🙂 xo