My Dog Needs Obamacare

 

I have two dogs–they are both morons. Well, I take that back. Madden is a moron. He weighs about 6lbs and I think he was just born with a really small brain. I mean, it really makes sense if you think about it. He just doesn’t understand life.

Brody is a year older than Madden and he is the smart one. ‘Smart’ as in– he knows his name, doesn’t poop on my pillow, realizes he is a dog and not a tyrannosaurus rex (even though that would be really awesome) and knows that I am his owner and not an intruder every time I enter the house. Madden is the opposite of Brody. I love them both–but Brody is a badass.

Brody has some minor health happenins’ lately. He is constantly itching, licking, scratching, and rolling to alleviate his itch. I am always reluctant to take him, or either of them for that matter, to the vet because it usually ends up costing me $700 and I am always convinced into the ‘Senior Citizen Dog Special’ or ‘Dog Teeth Whitening’ or some ‘GMO Free Food for Senior Citizen Dogs’. Regardless, I love my dogs like they are humans and I would do anything for them.

So I made the call:

Me: “Hey, my dog has some serious scratchin’ a happenin’. He needs to be seen.

Vet Office Lady: “Oh, no! Why don’t you make an appointment!’

Me: ‘I am sort of on a budget and every time I come in, I end up spending an arm and a leg.’

Vet Office Lady: “Well why don’t you make an appointment during our ‘Yappy Hour’ where we have specials on examinations? It is a great deal and you save 25%’

Me: ‘Sounds GREAT! When can we come in?’

Vet Office Lady: ‘Well, we are all booked for next week’s ‘Yappy Hour’, how about the following week?’

Me: ‘I’m afraid my dog may itch his whole body off by then–how about we skip the special and get him in ASAP?’

Vet Office Lady: ‘Not a problem, see you tomorrow at 3:00?’

Me: ‘Sounds good, I’ll see you then, looking forward to paying full price!’

Vet Office Lady: ‘**click**’

 

Poor Brody was a wreck. He smelled like I would expect an old shoe to smell like with a piece of Gouda cheese left inside of it for 15 years. Sort of strange for a dog who gets groomed every month…I should have known something bad was coming…

I took my well behaved dog in the car in his portable tent cage and he successfully rolled the entire thing upside down  trying to escape. He hopped out once we got there and took a huge dump all over the sidewalk, a sidewalk that just so happens to be next to a Cafe where they have ample seating outside. Every diner looked at ME like I’d just pooped on the sidewalk. I grinned and ran inside.

I grabbed a doggy bag and ran back out to pick up the mess with what little dignity I had left…and the appointment hadn’t even started yet.

The vet tech came and grabbed Brody and off we went into the room. Poor Brody hid under the seat and tried to play the ‘Invisible Man’. Unfortunately it didn’t work…

The vet came in and examined him and said he wasn’t due for any vaccines and that he looked fine except for a couple things:

1.) Brody has a yeast infection.

      ***WTF?! How the fuck does a BOY dog have a yeast infection? He doesn’t have a vagina!***

I asked if they had ‘Doggy Monistat 7’ or ‘Doggy Diflucan’ to which they responded ‘Uhm, no, that is for humans.’ (Duh, I knew that. They weren’t sensing my amazing sense of humor. Or maybe they were and just don’t think I’m as funny as I think I am.)

2.) Brody has a skin allergy that would be best treated by:

                 – A series of antibiotics

                 – A steroid

                 – A medicated shampoo

                 – A continued medicated spray in-between shampoos

3.) Brody has ‘problematic ears’ which would be best treated by:

                – An ear cleaning solution that I apply weekly

                – An ointment to apply after the cleaning solution is applied

These were just the immediate things they recommended. They went into the ‘Senior Citizen’ package and the doggy dental program or whatever it’s called when dogs have their teeth cleaned…you know, similar to us visiting the dental hygienist…except they fully sedate them (why can’t humans do that?).

I won’t say how much the visit cost me, but I am going to look into Obamacare for Brody. I cannot take seeing my animals uncomfortable in the least bit and if I sense something is wrong, I typically buy into everything they suggest at the vet office or I take it a step further. I will do my own investigation online and relay back my findings to Justin which usually he responds with something like: ‘Our dog does not need to have his teeth whitened Ashley!’ ‘A dog massage? Are you insane!?’ ‘Acupuncture for dogs does not exist Ashley–and if it does, we are not doing it.’ ‘Brody is a boy, he does not need his toe nails painted’, ‘A daycare for dogs? No. Absolutely not.’ or my favorite ‘BRODY DOES NOT NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST OR A PSYCHIC!’ (I’ve always wanted to know what he thinks about me…)

The only thing I can convince Justin that is of necessity is that the dogs need to be groomed. When we moved to SD, I took them to a plethora of groomers and Brody would come back lookin’ suave and Madden would come back looking like he had a visit with Edward Scissorhands. I was actually told by a  groomer: ‘Madden, well, uh, he’s, what we like to say, well, you’re dog cannot come back here until he has some obedience training.’ She handed me a flier to a dog trainer she recommended for ‘angry’ animals and I never booked another appointment again. I finally found someone who was willing to groom Madden (the bad one) and Brody as long as I medicated Madden before he came for each visit. Every so often she will phone me and ask me to come in and help her cut Madden’s hair. Hey, I get it–Madden is an asshole and tries to attack her when he sees the scissors. I actually don’t mind helping out. Giving a drunk dog a haircut is actually pretty entertaining. Madden likes his ‘mane’ and identifies more with a lion–which makes total sense.

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It’s a Vote for SMASH!