My Child’s Next Birthday Invite

I’ve seen this first birthday letter/invite making its rounds on the internet:

 

While it made me shake my head and gave me QUITE the laugh, it got me thinking. What if I were to send out a birthday letter prior to my child’s next birthday with all the items that we she needed/wanted for her birthday? While these parents did specify that a formal invite would be following this (insane) initial ‘letter’, it gave me the grandest idea to get started on my young ones next birthday invite. I thought long and hard and came up with this as my daughter’s next Birthday Invite/Letter:

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Dear Family & Friends,

I am sending you this in place of a formal invitation as I feel it is more appropriate. Who needs to waste money on a bunch of invitations when I have my computer, my super-speed typing fingers, and laser printer? Exactly. No one.

This year, we will be celebrating our child’s birthday at Pechanga Casino located in Temecula, CA. I realize that this seems a bit of an odd place to celebrate a child’s birthday, but last year we celebrated at Chuck E. Cheese and Ashley managed to nearly lose one of the children, so why NOT go to the casino?

More so, the casino is a hell of a lot more fun for adults. We’ve rented a small room with penny slots for the children and hired some super legit mouse in a  creepy totally normal costume to look over the kids while the adults hit the roulette tables in the casino. Alcohol will be provided. For the ADULTS—come on, you didn’t think we’d supply alcohol to the kids, did you? No, the kids will be chowing down on Top Ramen and leftover Diet Coke from last year’s birthday party. We hate Diet Coke.

Relative to birthday presents. You guys really seem to over-do it on the gifts each year and while we are really grateful that you love our child, this year we’ve decided to take over the birthday list for her. All of her birthday items can be found on Amazon and available via Amazon Prime. If you don’t have Amazon Prime—well, consider yourself exiled from our family and/or our friendship ties severed. We don’t have time to be friends with people who aren’t Amazon Prime members. What the fuck is wrong with you?

The following items are available to purchase for the birthday party. Please notify me immediately if you are unable to purchase ANY of these items on the list. I will replace your spot with someone who can follow through with our wish list our daughter’s wish list.

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There you have it! Our little darling’s birthday list for her upcoming (in 7 months) 8th birthday! Again, if you cannot purchase any of these items on the list, please notify me immediately. We will replace your spot with someone who can actually follow through. And yes, Mom, that means you too.

Love Always,

Ashley & Justin—oh, and Haydan, our kid.

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**Disclosure** All of the items above are ‘affiliate links’ which means if you purchase ‘Haydan’ these gifts, not only will ‘she’ receive them, her mother will receive an affiliate commission–that she will totally put towards her college education fund. Buha!

I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”