Ahhh, Mondays…what a joy! I just love Monday’s so much I thought I’d tell ya about how our mornings go:
We start by trying to get Haydan out of bed which results in a 30 minute tug of war with the blankets. She will go on to tell us some strange tale that her floor is surrounded in hot lava or rabid snakes or something of that nature. However, she assures us they will all go away if she sleeps for ‘a few more minutes’. After she finally does awake, she walks to the couch at the speed of a caterpillar. Her cereal awaits her and is nearly soggy at that point to which she notifies us of immediately. We tell her that if her legs moved faster than a 90 year old granny, she wouldn’t have soggy cereal. Then, if her water isn’t cold enough, she lets us know that it, also, is ‘soggy’. Err.
She chews her food in a similar speed as a baby gnawing on one of those teething biscuits. You know, the ones that seem to get nowhere in their mouth but all over their bodies/hair/nostrils/and ALL of your furniture? Yeah, it’s pretty much the same with her Cascadian Fruity O’s. Except the dogs sit at her feet and eat all of her dropped O’s and end up looking like they’ve just had a bath due to the amount of milk splashed on their coat. I remind her that she is six and most six year olds are capable of eating a bowl of cereal without bathing the dogs in it. She reminds me how sleepy she still is and that her ‘eyes aren’t working properly.. just yet’….and that is what we get for waking her up so early (!!!) She then goes on a question spree asking me over and over why she needs to awake ‘at this hour’ and that she doesn’t really think she ‘needs to go to school anymore’ however, she would sure ‘miss the boy at school that she is in love with’. ‘What time do you think Jesus woke up at, Momma?’ EARLY HAYDAN, REALLY DAMN EARLY!!!
Then, comes the clothes. Oh, man. This is so much fun. You would think that having to wear a uniform to school would be helpful in this case. NOT AT ALL. ‘I don’t like the button on that skirt.’ ‘I really don’t think I ever plan on wearing pants again’ ‘Can’t I just wear leggings to school only?’ ‘Jesus didn’t have to wear a uniform!’ ‘That tag itches me’ ‘HAYDAN, THERE IS A DRESS CODE FOR A REASON—PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!’ 5 mintues later…. ‘Well, momma, I have my clothes on but these socks feel funny and I don’t remember how to put my shoes on…can you help me?’ “Haydan, your skirt is on backwards, that is not a school uniform shirt and….ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?!’ ‘WHOOPS, I forgot about those mom!’
Five minutes later after taking off the whole outfit I have been yelling at her to put on for 20 minutes to only forget her underpants, we now have the outfit reassembled on her little body…correctly…and WITH underwear this time….
‘How do you want to do your hair, Haydan?’ “Like Rapunzel..’ ‘Alright, well I can comb it out and maybe run my flat iron thru it a couple times and you will look JUST like Rapunzel!’ ‘No, Momma, actually I won’t. I do not have hair down to the floor, I do not have all blonde hair, AND I HAVE BANGS! Why did you give me bangs? No one ‘cool’ has bangs. These things are awful. Can we cut them off? I was thinking about dying ALL of my hair blonde. A lot of my friends have blonde hair.’ ‘Haydan, you are perfect the way God made you AND your friends with blonde hair do not DYE their hair that color, that is the color God made their hair.’ All the while, I am in the midst of trying to just comb out her hurricane hair and make it look like I am not a child neglecter….or that she wasn’t the only one getting herself ready this morning while I slept blissfully in my bed. At this point Haydan goes on to tell me: ‘Did you know if we don’t sacrifice a lamb and put the lamb’s blood on our front door that someone will come and take your first born?’ At this point I scream Justin’s name who is sitting on the computer doing God knows what. He comes in and I have her re-tell the lambs blood story to Justin. He assures me that she is right—but that was a long time ago and that no one does that anymore. I tell Haydan that is a good thing…because she is my first and only born! Her eyes are now in larger mode than normal and she becomes quite worried and tells me her kindergarten teacher assured her this was in fact, true. ‘Where can we get a lamb, Momma?’ ‘WE ARE NOT SACRIFICING A LAMB HAYDAN!!’ ‘We have room in the backyard to do it mom…’ ‘How old do you think I need to be to get a tattoo? I have some really good ideas…’
This is where I hand her over to Justin to take her to school. I then bury my head in the pillow for fifteen minutes hoping that will help evade the sure 20 years I have just aged in the past 45 minutes….This, my friends, happens EVERY morning, five days a week!