Let me start off by saying this: I love my kid. She is nuts, but I love her.
Okay, i got it that out of the way…
Holy shit- we have been officially on summer break for roughly two weeks and I am ready to pull my damn hair out. I was thinking summer break would be full of playing outside, swimming, ice cream, activities, movie watching, and all around relaxing. Then…I remembered that it’s Haydan who is on summer break, not me–I have a job.
If you’ve ever worked from home and tried to run a company while your kid is singing Frozen (God, please help me) on blast while the dog is simultaneously barking because he is being forced to be her Frozen dance/karaoke partner, you understand my pain. If not, well here is a brief run down of a typical business phone call while having your six year old fill the position as ‘office manager’:
Me: Aqua Chill, this is Ashley speaking..
Customer: Hi, I wanted to pay my invoice for…
******MOM!!! LOOK!!! BRODY HAS A PIECE OF POOP STUCK TO HIS BUTT!!!!******
Me: I am so so sorry, can you please repeat that?
Customer: Uh, sure… My name is Janet and I am calling to…
***HAHAHAHAHAH THAT IS SO FUNNY!! MOM!! MOMM!!! MOMMMMM!!! WHEN I WAS A BABY DID I GET POOP STUCK TO MY BUTT?!?!?!?! HAHAHAHHAHAHA*******
Me: My apologies, may I please place you on hold for a brief moment?
**Haydan, I will honest to God give you five dollars if you go in your room and lock the door for five straight minutes and not speak ONE WORD**
Me: I am so sorry for the interruption. I would be happy to process a payment for you. Wait, that is what you were calling for, right? What was the name of your company? Wait, what is your name? Hello? Are you there?
Customer: ——— ((hung up))
Yeah, I realize i didn’t completely think it through when I decided to take over the accounting for our company on my own. Haydan was in school at the time I made that decision and I had ample time during the day to get some work completed. At the very least, I was able to complete the really, really important stuff while she was in school. I have pretty much realized summer break will result in me completing nothing but possibly running our company into the ground.
My mom wanted to enroll Haydan in swim team over the summer. Anything that would drain some energy from this Energizer Bunny of mine, I was ALL FOR! We showed up for the first day of swim team yesterday at 10:30AM. Apparently, swim team starts at 10:00AM and ENDS at 10:30AM. SHIT! First day of swim team was a total bust. Not to mention the fact that now I had a sun-screened tiny person who was raring and ready to take on her first day of swim team…only to tell her that we got the times confused and we would have to come back tomorrow. She was not happy. We tried to diffuse the situation with food. Hey, it usually works well for me when I am in times of frustration. Here’s a cinnamon roll to ease your irrational anger towards me because the swim instructor told us the wrong time.
After a quick bite, we were off to Target to get a new swimsuit for Haydan’s swim team practice (that we would make it to the next day…on time.) Naturally, Haydan bolted straight for the toy section of Target. I made a deal with her that I would buy her an activity to play with if she would play quietly for one hour so I could get some work done. She wanted to buy a Barbie to add to her collection. A collection that probably equates to the North American population. I talked her out of it and talked her into something more fun! I ended up convincing her into a Play Doh Ice Cream concoction. Seemed like a really great idea at the time.
I finished my one ‘hour’ (more like 45 minutes) of important work and turned my office chair around to stand up. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Haydan managed to do THIS in 45 MINUTES:
I swear to you, there was more Play Doh on the floor than what actually came in the box. You know, these awesome contraptions look SO DAMN COOL on the box. And then you open them. You are forced to read instructions that make absolutely no sense and usually end up in a wadded up ball on the floor while you cram the pieces together while simultaneously hear cracking pieces of plastic. You notice how the parents are never in the pictures on children’s toy boxes, only the HAPPY SMILING CHILDREN!?!?!?! Yeah, there is a reason for that.
There are so many events that motivated this post and serve as reasons I love my child and am EAGERLY awaiting the first day of school:
I woke up the other morning and found the bunny hopping around Haydan’s room. I asked her how he not only got out of his cage, but made it all the way to her bedroom. She responded with: ‘What bunny?’
My mom found an entire bag of gummy bears in the back seat of my car yesterday…and it was 90 degrees outside.
Haydan took a pink Sharpie permanent marker and colored her lips (and part of the couch on ‘accident’) with it.
Haydan told the entire aisle at CVS as we were shopping for Father’s Day cards: ‘Momma, we should get Papa a new razor for Father’s Day. That would be good for you too since you have to shave your mustache. Do you think i will grow a mustache like you one day?’
After breakfast & our Target trip yesterday morning, Haydan proclaimed the need to change her outfit. When I asked her why, she responded: ‘There is dog poop all over my dress’ I asked her how the hell dog poop got all over her dress when we were out of the house all morning. ‘No clue’ was her answer as she threw the dress in my laundry pile.
Two days ago she asked me: ‘Do I need to wear underwear if I am wearing pants?’ I gave her a very simple answer: ‘Just assume that while getting dressed ANY morning on ANY day, you should ALWAYS be wearing underwear.’
I made the mistake of purchasing a ‘scratcher ticket’ the other day. Haydan now has a full blown gambling addiction. She cannot walk past a scratcher machine without asking me three million times ‘CAN WE BUY A SCRATCHY!!!??!! COME ON! WE MIGHT WIN BIG BUCKS!!’
Haydan has always been into questions about the human body. Her latest bout of questions have involved digestion and just exactly how long it takes her breakfast/lunch/dinner to completely ‘pass through her body’.
I have come to a few conclusions two weeks into summer break. One is, I am a total moron for thinking that I would ever be able to actually run a business while making sure a six year old doesn’t set the house on fire…or kill one of the animals. Second, summer camp would have been an amazing investment for our business’s sake….and my overall mental state.
Haydan will split half her ‘scratchy’ earnings with you if you click the link below!
J/K. It’s a vote for your fave momma blogger 😉