I cracked today.
Like, cried “cracked” today. Like “I broke the fuck down ‘cracked’ today.”
I normally do a pretty decent job at keeping it together. I am lighthearted, I laugh, I find the funny in most everything, but today I cracked.
I cry for other people, I cry at commercials, but rarely do I cry about anything that has to do with me and my own emotions.
Life is really fast. Life carries a load of responsibilities. Some days, I can keep up. Mostly, I do a good job keeping up.
I looked around my office today, a stack of unpaid bills on my desk, my phone and business line ringing off the hook, Barb questioning me about gravity and how the Earth spins and how we don’t feel dizzy, yet when she spins, she feels dizzy… and I cracked. I could feel the pit in my throat; the one that comes right before a surge of tears.
And I let it out.
Barb is home with me and I think it’s fine to show emotion in front of children, but I, for one reason or another, don’t want her to see me cry. She looks at me as a pillar of strength. I am Barb’s hero. I never want that to change.
But, I cracked.
I laid down on the futon in my office and I cried.
She asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t know what to tell her.
“I am just sad” was all that I could muster up.
“Sad about what?” she questioned me with an unfamiliar, empathetic look.
“I don’t really know, babe…”
And, I really don’t know. Life. Life is tough. “Smash” is fun and silly, “Smash” loves dinosaurs, “Smash” is a dorky nerd who is easily amused. Smash occupies about 90% of who I am. However, there is a part of “Smash” that isn’t broadcasted. Her name is Ashley Alteman.
Ashley Alteman; the woman with a shit-ton of responsibilities, ones I am sure you are all familiar with as they consume your life as well; medical issues, bills, tension in relationships with family/friends, debt, etc.
Ashley Alteman sometimes feels the weight of the world crushing down on her with endless phone calls from the government telling her about errors made in a tax return from 2013.
Ashley Alteman tries to put out health insurance fires that pile up on her desk in envelope form.
Ashley Alteman tries to manage a household and a business, with a funny, quirky, 7-year-old as her summer sidekick and two dogs that bark at the most inopportune times.
Ashley Alteman has to figure out a way to come up with $4,738 so the government will quit breathing down her back for an “error” made in 2013.
Ashley Alteman tries to love and support her friends, her amazing, incredible friends. She tries to keep up with them, too.
Ashley Alteman tries to figure out the potent words of others, Ashley Alteman over analyzes and is more sensitive than she lets on.
So, today I cracked. I cried. I walked away from my work computer and my “Smash computer.”
I went to decompress and walked to the fridge for a cold glass of water and to rinse my face in the kitchen sink.
As I opened the fridge, my eyes were met with this magnet that I had made for our family around Christmas time.
I kneeled down, eventually sitting down, and looked at it for a while. I sat on the cold kitchen floor with salty tears streaming my face, and thought for a moment.
It’s okay to crack.
It’s okay to show those cracks, too.
So, rather than walking away and decompressing in my mind, I did so in this cluster of words. These words. And, I decided to share them with you.
Because, I know I’m not alone. We all crack, and I want you to know that I crack, too. And, more so, sometimes it feels good to crack, and let it out.
Thank you. I appreciate that you feel comfortable enough to share this with us, your fans…your friends. I’m sorry you cracked, but we all need to let go of that shit that piles up and buries us. I am certainly not crack proof. I’ve been there and will undoubtedly be there again. But I want to thank you for having the courage to be Ashley. Smash is fab but Ashley is truth. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Thank-you so much, Sheryl. You know I’ve adored you since you started following my page and became one of my Smashing friends. Your words mean so, so much.
Thank you. Thank you for this much needed reminder that sometimes cracking is just what we need. While reading this (and writing now) I, too, cracked. We all have different reasons to crack, many of mine the same as yours, some much different. Tuesday will be nine years that my mom died. This is always a time for me that I try my best to be crackproof because just as you…I never want my children to see me cry. But this…cracked me wide open…just knowing I am not alone in this. So, again, thank you.
Oh Tiffany, first off, thank you for such beautiful words. Second, my heart pains for you as you approach the 9 year anniversary of your mother’s passing. That has to be so hard and know that my heart is with you. Thank-you so much for such a genuine, kind, and incredibly loving comment.
Ashley this makes me love you even more! We all have these moments, we crack. To be human is to not be perfect, we as a species feel all the fear, pressure, and stress and it is okay to crack. And it is good that Barb saw from her mom that it’s alright to not be the strong one all the time. {{{hugs}}} to you my friend!
Thank-you so, so much Christina <3 I think you're right--it's human. All that pressure, stress, and fear builds up over time and sometimes you have to release. My God, I am so glad I decided to put it down in writing---the response has lifted me up so high and I am reminded of what amazing people I am surrounded by. You guys make me so happy. Thank-you so much.
Life gets crazy for all of us and it is ok to “crack” when you need to as long as you’re able to bounce back from it. The world can’t expect you to be fun and crazy “Smash” all of the time. You need time to be Ashley. Ashley that has to take the time to cry and let it all out. You do a lot and you deserve to crack. You’re an amazing person no matter if you’re Smash or Ashley. You will come out on the other side stronger than ever.
I love you, Samantha. How you keep up and maintain such a happy disposition and an incredibly giving heart to those around you with your family and responsibilities truly baffles me. You are one in a million and I am so fortunate to call you my friend. <3
Oh, Smash, I feel you! I feel like a lot of the time I have it together and days where I feel like everything is crumbling – my business, my ability to parent. These moments/days/weeks/whatever are rough and you feel like you’re all alone but you’re not!
Aw, thank-you so much Bev. You are a lovely soul and a fantastic momma. I am so glad that I had that time with you last month to sit and chat and spend time together. Thank-you for reminding me I am not alone. You are amazing <3
I have come to know and very much care about Ashley. We share some common denominators. I don’t consider it “cracking”, it just feels that way when we haven’t taken a long, deep, fill your lungs completely full breath in way too long. It’s just an expansion, growing pains, if you will. It’s ok, luv, just breathe…..
“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”
― Robert Frost
Gah, How I love you SO much. “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.” –perfection. <3
Awww, Ashley…
As you know, I’m a fan of the ugly cry, so I hope you felt restored after cracking open and letting it all spill out. I get it – all of it- the weight of life can be so heavy at times. And I get about not wanting your kids to see you cry, but they are amazing empathetic little creatures and can kiss boo-boos too. It’s good for them to see. Just so you know, I love you and think I’m a lucky bitch to have run into you on the internets. You give and give and I so admire your fun loving self, but I see you and I hear you and I’m here for you if you need someone to ugly cry to. Love to you- so much love.
Awww, my Jill. I will video my ugly cry and send you a message next time–because I know you will turn that frown upside down right, real quick. Damnit, i should have just participated in Fat Roll Friday and I probably would have made it through the day. No, you are right, spilling it out is sometimes necessary and I don’t do it enough. I need to show Barb that it’s okay to ugly cry Kim K. style. It’s an incredible release. I love you. Very much.
Oh lovely, sweet, kind and amazing Ashley, it is TOTALLY okay to crack. That is one of the most important lessons I have learned in life. I want you to know that even when you crack you are still so loved! Have you ever noticed how much more you love and use an item when it has a little flaw and you don’t have to be so damn careful to ‘keep it nice’ anymore? These are the things that become our beloved favorites and you, amazing soul, are just like that… I love you even more because I don’t have to ‘be careful’ with you, I can be honest and crack and you can be honest and crack and it is okay. Sending you (((HUGS))) and #### (dinosaur kisses).
Wow. Houston, that was a beautiful message. I don’t even know what to say–it was perfect; so heartfelt, kind and hit me straight in the heart. Thank-you, thank-you so much for your beautiful words. I love that analogy you made and that you feel you don’t have to ‘be careful’ with me. I am here for you when you crack, too. I love you very much, friend.
WOW! What a raw, honest blog post. I just stumbled on your site today through Top Mommy Blogs, and it was just what I needed to read. I cracked yesterday too – no exact reason. Starting a year as a stay at home mommy to my 4-year old and 6-month old, worried about what that will be like financially, working on starting a blog for the first time (but feeling like I have no time to work with two little ones), and just maintaining the day-to-day life. I can’t wait to roam around and stop by your blog a bit more! Thanks for saying, “It’s okay to crack” – I needed to read that.
Aw, I am so glad that you ran into this when you needed it, Jennifer. It was just a rough day and I was hesitant to even post it as I normally just post my “funnies.” Looking back, I am so glad I did. I am excited to check out your new blog! It is such a great way to network and meet new people and, as you can tell, a great release from time-to-time, too! 😉 xoxo
Oh Ashley! (I’ve always wanted to say that in the tone of Scarlet O’Hara) how many ways do I love this? Too many to count — but from this post, I have now given myself permission to crumble. So you crack and I’ll crumble and I’m sure we’ll choreograph some dance moves before we’re done. xo
You are THE BEST Stephanie <3 That sounds perfect.
Ashley….you are *so* not alone. Life gets very heavy, some days we have to just lighten the load and let it all out. Love you girl XOXOX
Also….that said lighten the loaf, and I seriously considered leaving it. 😉 xo
lol Lighten the loaf. I love it. You are right, I need to lighten my load…and my loaf. 😉 xoxo love you back!!!
Oh, man, yes. We readers FEEL you, honey. It’s so reassuring to encounter an essay that shows us we’re not alone. I crack lots, too. And when I do, I feel like I’m teaching my wide-eyed kids something important: don’t tamp it down; let it wash through. The only way to release it is to feel it.
wow. that was powerful. “Don’t tamp it down; let it wash through. The only way to release it is to feel it.” That is perfection. I am writing that down. Thank-you, Jocelyn. Thank-you so, so much.
So I am just getting caught up on my reading…this one…really really really spoke to me. I love that you put everything out there. We all have things that make us crack. I believe that its good to let out all those tears once in a while. It is a release. It always works out. Thank you for always ‘keeping it real’
Aww thank-you so much, Gina. I so appreciate your kind words. And you are right- we all have to let out the tears from time to time, it’s a great release. Lots of love to you. xo
Thanks for sharing this. I LOVE – really love – when bloggers/writers show what’s behind the curtain and expose the reality that it’s not always rainbows and puppies and sometimes even those of us with a sense of humor and lighthearted outlook on life getting into funks sometimes. Such a huge fan of you and your blog; keep up the good work!
Thank-you SO much, Ali!!! Your comment made my heart warm! And yes, sometimes we have to pull back and allow a little bit of the ‘not so pretty’ show, too. It keeps it real. Looking back now, I am so glad I ended up sharing this. Originally I had no intention of posting it. I just wrote my feelings out and then my husband said SHARE THAT SHIT!! lol 😉 I am so glad I did. Thank-you for such a sweet comment. xoxo
Ashley Alteman/SMASH is amazing and also one of the strongest women I have had the privilege of getting to know over the past year or so. I have always tried so hard to keep it together and be that “pillar of strength” as you put it, for my kids. They aren’t used to seeing their mom’s break down and in such a vulnerable state, but it’s okay that they do. Sometimes, we all just need a good cry! Sending you lots of love and wishing we could sit and share a bottle of wine:)
You are SO kind, Joanna. And, you are a PHENOMENAL mom!! Four– I do not know how you manage and are able to put complete sentences together with SUCH heartwarming sentiment. Love you very much, lady. Next time I’m in AZ–we shall drink wine. 🙂
((((hugs)))
We all crack sometimes, girl! And it’s good for Barb to see that you’re only human and it’s ok to crack! Thank you for sharing your life with us. Know that you’re not alone!
Absolutely love how real and honest you are here. And I am sooo glad you got to the conclusion that it is okay to crack and show it. As I was reading through I kept thinking “she needs to know it is okay to show these emotions with her daughter!” Showing emotions is so healthy for kids. She will always look up to you no matter what. More so if you show her that it’s okay sometimes to lose it. Otherwise when she “cracks” one day, it’ll confuse her. I have days where I just lose it. I have trouble remembering that I need breaks too. I recently had a chat with hubby, after processing time from my own break down” and we agreed that he could do a little more to help support me even if just checking in from time to time. I needed it. I know I will still crack, often, but we are moms, wives, therapists, employees, friends, and so on. We wear a ton of hats and we do really well, a crack is expected! 🙂