Apparently, it’s Christmas…? Or, at least time to start thinking about Christmas and the gifts that come with the season. I’ve yet to pack up the Halloween shit that sits on my mantle that apparently should already be replaced with stockings and that creepy Elf on the Shelf asshole.
I like to stay about 27 days behind on anything important. Credit card bills, health insurance, car payments, etc. I’m thinking 27 to be my lucky number. No, really, I think I won roughly thirty-six bucks in Vegas playing roulette by marking ‘Red 27’ with a one-dollar casino chip–once. I was in a heavily intoxicated state, though, so I can’t really remember…
I’ve been seeing all types of holiday guides, in particular, Oprah’s and Gwyneth Paltrow’s. Have you seen them? If not, it’s definitely worth the ‘Google’. I laughed. I laughed really hard, actually. Anyone who purchases gold headphones only to stick them in their fucking ears ought to be whacked upside the head.
Oprah’s guide mentioned a Kate Spade pen for $36.00. What a STEAL! You wouldn’t have to worry about wasting much ink as you certainly wouldn’t be writing any checks after purchasing a pen for $36.00. Mine would stay permanently in the box. I’m familiar with that- I was walking off a martini at the mall one day and decided, in my mildly intoxicated state, that buying a $30.00 lipgloss was a good idea. Yes, it’s still in the box. I plan to use it when I meet Prince William.
If that gift isn’t up your alley, not to worry, Gwynneth Paltrow has GOLD juicer available for $4,739.00. If that is a few thousand too much to spend on a juicer (for you personally), well, not to worry, I’ve found the stainless steel version. You can juice your gold, GMO, and pesticide-free carrots and kale.
Who actually puts these gift guides together?! Furthermore, who the hell are they advertising this shit to? I thought my $50.00 Tory Burch flip flops with a 25% off coupon and free shipping were a total rip off. I cannot imagine spending $550 on a ‘Traveling Backgammon Set’. The only game I’d be interested in bringing anywhere is Twister and you can find that gem down the aisles of Target for $9.99.
So, what’s a girl to do when confronted with outrageous holiday gift guides that are only within the price range of the people advertising them (i.e. Oprah & Ms. Paltrow)?
Not to worry— I’ve come up with the perfect solution. I’ve created….
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE – SMASH STYLE!
1. Stretchy Pants. Everything is better with stretchy pants. You feel better, thinner, and as your stomach expands, SO DO THEY!
2. Alcohol. Your choice. I like Gin. Available at every local grocery store/drugstore.
3. Make-Your-Own Churro Kit. Everyone loves a churro. If you don’t love churros, please leave my page.
4. Dinosaur Heads for your living room. If this is out of your price range, let me know, Haydan & I will make you one.
5. Sunscreen Flasks/Tampon Flasks. Pick your poison. These are genius. I wish I had these for that ONE time I went to a football game. I could have saved myself $30.00 on the two vodka tonics I consumed.
6. Children’s Book: ‘You Have to Fucking Eat’ ((**Buying Haydan this for X-Mas**))
7. Wine Purse. Who needs to carry all that crap when you can carry a huge bag of wine? I realize this one is a bit pricey–but you can fill it with two-buck-chuck and call it a day.
8. ‘Your Stick Family Was Delicious’ Window Decal. Because–well, because that is fucking awesome.
9. Emergency Underpants. Because you just never know…..
10. Bullshit Button. I call ‘bullshit’ quite often, so this might be in my stocking this year….courtesy of myself…
11. Triceratops Dog Costume. If your a dog gift giver, I truly cannot think of a better gift than this. I don’t believe it needs further explanation.
12. Unicorn Meat. Apparently there isn’t actual unicorn meat stuffed into a can, only a dismembered unicorn.
There you have it- some genius shopping ideas brought to you by Smash. You’re welcome.
You can thank me by clicking the Top Mommy Badge below. It will show a sincere ‘thank-you’ for my strenuous efforts at helping you complete your holiday gift shopping. Screw ‘Black Friday’.
Each Click Better Ranks Smash! – It’s Just a CLICK-A-ROO!
CLICK IT…or I’ll send you a dismembered unicorn!