Haydan has been really adamant that I dress up along side her this year for Halloween.
The typical ‘I’m scary enough on my own’ hasn’t been cutting it.
I decided to venture out into the foreign land, Party City, to hunt for an adult costume to wear along side my ‘Monster High’ Haydan.
Navigating my way to the back of the store just to arrive to the costume section was a challenge within itself. I tripped over about 9 children and overheard moms yelling at their tween daughters that their costume choices were too “slutty” or too “trashy.” I gave them all proverbial high-fives (the mothers) and continued on my hunt…
I walked up to the picture board of costumes and was reminded quite quickly as to why the fuck I hate dressing up for Halloween. Unless you set aside enough time to create your own costume with enough fabric to cover your bitties, well, you’re shit of of luck. Unless you are going for the ‘hooker’ look. In that case, boy are YOU IN LUCK!
I was looking for something simple, something I didn’t have to put together and something that, on Halloween evening, wouldn’t result in a call to the local authorities because I’d been mistaken for a streetwalker…
Hm. Maybe if I was attending a Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion?
Clearly that one wasn’t going to work, so I was on to the next…
I really didn’t think you could make the most disgusting ‘food’ on the planet, candy corn, sexy. Party City, you succeeded.
Too cliche. Plus, I’d worry Justin would want me to clean the house if I put that on….
….and on I went…
She’d be cool….IF SHE WERE WEARING FUCKING PANTS. Plus, I’d never be able to get in OR out of those shoes, much less walk around in them or go to battle as Wonder Woman actually did…
At this point I was beginning to think I was just being a bit hard on Party City and their pathetic attempt at (whore-ish) adult costumes. It is Halloween after all! So, I decided to try on a couple costumes to see how they looked and furthermore, to see if I could pull them off (as a mother) with dignity.
I have absolutely no idea what the hell this is. It was, however, SIZE LARGE. How is this a size large and still 4 inches above the knee? (I am HARDLY 5’6)
I decided this wasn’t going to work so I was going to give it one last try.
The Party City costume attendant was so nice and asked how I felt being a ‘Police Officer’. I thought that would be perfect! Seeing how many interactions I’ve had with cops, it would be refreshing to play the other role. (The ‘ticket giver’ rather than the ‘ticket receiver’.) I was even thinking about trucking around with one of those traffic ticket booklets. I could write tickets to cars illegally parked in my neighborhood as Haydan trick-or-treated.
Yeah, until I tried the costume on…
I have been pulled over by A LOT of police officers. If you are a responsible driver, allow me to let you in on a little secret: COPS DON’T EFFIN’ DRESS LIKE THIS!!!!
And, while we are on that subject, neither do I. Not even on Halloween.
If you’ve not been pulled over by a police officer or had an interaction with the authorities, I’m sure you’ve at least caught an episode or two of ‘COPS’ on television. Have you ever seen an officer chasing down a suspect dressed like this? No. Not at all. Not ever. EVER, EVER.
I’m sorry. As a parent, especially when accompanied by your child, there is never an excuse to look like a hooker…..regardless of the occasion.
This skirt was so short that when I dropped one of the officer gloves and bent over to pick it up, I mooned half of Party City and knew it was about time to head on out.
Luckily for me, on the way out I found the perfect costume. Fully covered, age appropriate, and entirely fitting.
So, there you have it. I am going as an old lady. I also plan on wearing elastic waste band pants, a shirt that covers my nipples, and maybe a pair of those velcro shoes for shits and giggles.