I’ve been hairy since birth. My mom told me I was born with a full rug of hair not only on my head but on my back, too. This has sort of haunted me in life. Thankfully, I was given a nice full head of black hair which sort of cancelled out my hairy gorilla body. Most people with thick black hair have hairy bodies… that is a fact the majority recognize. ‘Beautiful thick hair? Probably has a furry back, too…’
Fast forward 15 years. Childbirth does something corrupt to your body’s wiring and sends an erroneous message to grow hair at rapid speed – in all the wrong places. Sadly, the hair on my head is much thinner and everywhere else, well…quite the opposite.
I’m pale as a marshmallow with black hair like licorice. This equals ‘five o’clock shadow’ on every shaved body part which would be super if I was a dude with a masculinity problem.
My grandmother made my mother take me to get my upper lip waxed at the prime age of eleven. This just further drives my hairy point. I’m a mess.
I am now an avid lip and eyebrow threader and I stay up-to-date on my grooming routines so my husband won’t take-off to the guestroom because my facial hair started competing with his. Shit, if my own grandmother couldn’t stand looking at my ‘stach when I was eleven, I cant imagine my husband sticking around if I started sporting facial hair. I’ve made great effort to stay up-to-date on my grooming rituals which is both costly and time consuming.
Naturally, the place that does the best job at taming my beastly body is located in a very busy mall. I drive my orangutan self to this mall every two weeks to take care of business.
Each time I visit my ‘threading friends’, they tell me my eyebrows ‘lack shape, beauty, and consistency,’ and point out each time how my left eyebrow completely differs from the right.
They say stuff like ‘Wow, your eyebrows are so uneven! Do you over-pluck? You should get them tattooed to your face..’ when my defenseless ass is parked in the chair-o-pain.
My response is the same each time: ‘No thanks. I’ve seen enough mugshots on television to see how that works out.’
Every two weeks I hear about my crooked, not properly grown-in eyebrows as ‘Nadia the Terrible’ makes her way through each ‘crooked and uneven’ eyebrow with her thread that I’m certain is manufactured in Hell.
And then on to my upper lip. She gasps, ‘Oh, MY GAWWWDD! There’s more hair on your lip than both of your eyebrows combined!’
‘Great news! Thanks for informing me of this, and also for announcing it at the top of your voice in this very zen-like salon for all to hear. I know I’m hairy. Why the fuck do you think I’m here!?’
Alright, being honest, I did not say that last part. I did however laugh. I laughed really hard. That’s what you do when the lady hunched over your face breathing the remnants of her lunch on your forehead tells you, very loudly, you are pretty much a lost hairy anomaly.
I would stop going to this salon and find another that doesn’t give me so many compliments insults but the salon offers this great ‘Buy 10 get one free’ punch-card and I’m a really big sucker for a deal. Seeing I’m a patron every two weeks, I accumulate a lot of free torture-threaded experiences. So, I just deal with the insults and then pay them after they’re through abusing me physically with the thread and verbally with their words.
It’s either that or learning how to perfect the mustache as Tom Selleck did during his Magnum P.I. days. However, I worry with my inconsistent eyebrows that my mustache could possibly follow suit. No one likes a sparse mustache….especially not on a woman.
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Okay, so while I’m not hairy, I feel your pain because during pregnancy I grew some funky hair which I shaved (note to others, don’t do that) and I still have it even though my baby is going to be 12 years old next month. I was wondering if you tried laser treatments. They can be expensive, but they’re permanent so once you are done, you are done and you will never have to see Nadia the Terrible again. Hair or no hair, you are beautiful and funny. Love reading your posts.
Aw i love you Beth. yes, I have tried the laser treatments but you have to keep going back and they are like $100 a pop!!! They have definitely helped though…Maybe I should go back to that. I actually SHAVED my mustache once…okay, twice. Yeah, BAD BAD BAD. I cut my lip. no joke. ahhahahha
BEing hairy sucks. I have plucked and waxed so many times now that there are bare areas. My poor brows are stuck in the 90s and my legs are only hairy on my shins and knees. While my hair on top is blonde naturally, every other hair is black/dark brown. Dark brown brows, black hairy pits, black stache (that grows like whack) 2 black chin whiskers, blonde hairy arms, blonde mutton chops, hairy belly from pregnancy hormones. Holy cow, it’s overwhelming. I prune and primp like a mad woman and it’s exhausting. That’s why I just rock yoga pants, no energy left over.
hahahhahaha! I LOVE YOU ALYSSA!!!!!!!!!!
I feel ya! haha At 11 I started shaving because my uncle called me a monkey and at 12 I finally learned to pluck my eyebrows because I finally learned what all those kids meant when they were taunting me about a unibrow after my grandmother graciously bought me teen magazine for my 12th birthday! hahaha Unfortunately for our teenager I married a hairy beast as well, so she’s screwed. Luckily though we go to an amazing woman who is also a Mom at our school so she keeps her mouth shut about our wookieness 😛
wookieness. LOL!!!!!!! I started leg-shaving in 4th grade. My mother was FURIOUS that I didn’t tell her. LOL
So funny! I have always been pretty fair so I don’t have this problem (but stray chin hair is another story) but I do like tidy brows. Once in awhile some crazy esthetician will ask if I want my lip waxed and I’m like….whhhhhhhhaaaaat?
Blondes can be hairy too! You just can’t see it. LOL. I was examining my face the other day and realized how blessed I am to be blonde, because if I wasn’t, I would have a full grown man beard. Sexy!
I think you are sexy with or without a man beard, Traci. YEP.
This needed to be done. You are fantastic!
hahahaha Thanks!! 🙂 MUAH!
I totally invested in laser treatment! I bought a package that included as many treatments as needed to be hair free, NO MORE STACHE!
I NEED THAT!
Lol! I sooo feel your pain! The thing that saves me is my chocolate skin. It hides a lot! And like you, after becoming a mom, all hell broke loose! I guess we’ll be hairy together my dear. Too funny! =)
Urgh, I am so there with you, except on the eyebrows front. Had some hellacious stress thing years ago which pretty much wiped mine out. Now I have to fill in with eyebrow pencil. It’s all cool, though, because what went missing from my face just made home elsewhere on my body. Barf, lol.
Oh you are NOT alone. I have NO eyebrows. Big fan of the eyebrow pencil over here, too! However, that picture I made in Browify is pretty amazing. hahahahhaa
Hilarious! I can totally relate, if I wasn’t neurotic about meticulously removing all my random hairs via tweezers I would totally relax in a zen-like spa for some hell-thread. Although my preferred method of torture if I splurge and pay someone to remove my hair, would be a lazer-beam. Gotta blast those mo-fo’s so they stay away awhile. But alas, that shits expensive, so I pretty much just removed the mysterious treasure trail that appeared on my belly after childbirth. 😉
YES!!!! I have done laser hair removal once and it wasn’t bad but they said you have to come back a few times to see permanent results. I know my sister did it and she said it worked like a charm. I’ve just not been back and seeing how hairy I am, I’d likely have to go like 99 times for it to work. lol Those treatments are pricey too!!!