Dear Keurig Coffee Maker,
When I first met you, it was love at instant pour.
I became quickly addicted to your shiny buttons, your selection of brewing cup-sizes, and the endless convenience you provided.
You broke one day and I called your maker and he sent me a new version of you.
We carried on for what I thought would be eternal bliss.
Within a couple years, you started to make “that sound.” I knew you were on your way out..so I decided to pony up and buy a new one of you.
But then you decided to turn into a spaceship with special lights, a touchscreen, and a new and improved facelift with faux stainless steel siding. Your beautiful body had me fooled. That mixed with a 50% off coupon and I was screwed; you sucked me right in.
My love for a good deal and shiny things got the best of me one day, and I bought the spaceship version of you on on a fire sale at JCPenny.
What I didn’t know, however, is that the spaceship version of you is a hoax.
You no longer love my Trader Joe’s coffee cups, my Bob Marley coffee, nor my eco-friendly re-fillable K-Cup.
You send me this MEAN text message every time I try to use the coffee I WANT to use.
You are in love with one person only: YOURSELF.
You now demand that I purchase ONLY K-Cups with your “logo” on the box.
Bob Marley doesn’t have your logo on his box, therefore, I can no longer enjoy my Bob Marley coffee. I’ll be honest, that stings a bit.
I feel like you think you are one of the popular kids now and can go crazy selling your brand named K-Cup coffee that you know we are all addicted to. Sort of like the Kardashians. Remember when they came out with that pre-paid Visa card that you had to pay an astronomical amount of money JUST TO BUY to put YOUR OWN MONEY ON; all so you could have a piece of plastic with their faces on the front every time you swiped to spend your own cash?! And then, SEARS. I mean, who buys a dress at Sears for $85.00? See? You are just like a Kardashian.
Keurig Kardashian, you asshole.
Now, I am left pondering what the hell to do with you. Do I continue buying your Prada, I mean, Keurig brand coffee because I love the convenience you provide? Do I go on Craigslist and find an old-school version of you, similar to the Atari, so I can use any form of wannabe knock-off K-Cup and re-useable K-Cup I want? You have me stumped in a way that takes me back to high school freshman Algebra.
You are giving me guilt and anxiety, Spaceship Coffee maker, and I am not sure where to go from here.
Waking up to you each morning used to give me excitement. Honestly, you were half the reason I actually rolled my ass out of bed each morning; I knew you were there to greet me with a hot cup of joe within seconds.
And now?
Well, now you’ve went and pissed me right off and our relationship is love/hate. I need you, I do. You’re like a drug I can’t quit; a brand name drug I can’t quit.
Keurig Spaceship Machine, you’ve created a First World Problem for me and I’m just angry, confused, and honestly…embarrassed. I never thought I’d see the day that I owned a “brand name coffee maker.” I’m just waiting for the day to come at the playground…I can see the scenario unfolding in my mind:
Mom A: Look at these FANTASTIC new jeans I got at Saks Fifth Avenue for only $9,000!!
Mom B & C: Ohhh…Ahhhhhh…Those are sooo fab’!
Me: Look at my AWESOME jeans I got at Target!! $14.99–CLEARANCE, BITCHES!!!!!
Mom A: Well, what version of the Keurig coffee maker do you have? Do you have the Spaceship version?
Me: Uhh…well…oh no, I think I feel the runs coming on…GOTTA GO!!!!
**end scene**
See? It’s really that bad. Look what you’ve done to me. I think I need to talk to my therapist about this. You’ve turned me into a sham.
Love,
Angry Keurig Lover, User & Hater (A.K.A. Smash)
If you’re angry at the Spaceship Coffee Maker, give the brown button a click and vote for Smash. The world needs to know about this. One vote equals a click for Smash. ONE CLICK! Come on, I was duped by a fucking coffee maker- even pity votes are welcome.
I bought a box of k-cups from an off-brand at Menard’s that had a little thing in the box to make the cups work w/ Keurigs. I just Googled it and it’s called a “freedom clip”: https://www.gourmet-coffee.com/Freedom-Clip.html
There’s totally a way to cheat the system – just remove the foil top from an “appropriate” Kcup. Keep that beside your Keurig and put it over everything that’s not legit. Boom. Coffee go through.
AND IT DID WORK, TOO!!!!! I tried it!!
I felt much the same way upon purchasing our first Keurig…and then my husband and I did a little research and found some hacks. You may be interested to check them out: http://askannamoseley.com/2014/11/4-keurig-machine-hacks/
We just purchased a second Keurig for our upstairs coffee bar and I am hoping not to be disappointed with it!
Cheers!
Thank-you!!! And this is TOO funny–the link you directed me to–I sat next to her at a conference in May!! Anna Moseley! She is SO nice!