You’re Dead To Me, Siri!

We have been having a continuous bout of ‘I am scared of the bathtub’ in our home lately.

Justin and I couldn’t put our finger on what the hell was going on. Haydan used to be a HUGE fan of the bathtub. She loved taking long, dawn-out baths with Barbies, toys, bubbles, and tidal waves that often extended to the carpeted edges of our bedrooms.

She loved bath time so much that she’d even bring Justin Bieber into the mix. The doll… not the real Justin Beaver. I wouldn’t let that idiot with a ten foot radius of my daughter…and he is Canadian, which is saying a lot. I love my Canadians.

However, that just drives my point. She knew that bringing her signing Beaver Bieber doll into the tub would wreck his amazing auto-tuned voice seeing he operates with the same audio pack I’d imagine he does when ‘preforming live’.

Justin Beaver in his tuxedo, Barbie’s in their full glitter gowns, Dr. Bronner’s—The kid was ALL about bath time. Then, something happened.

Now, each night we run the bath, Haydan somehow seems to escape from actually following through with her bathing routine.

The first few times we didn’t really notice. Haydan is seven-years-old. To me, that is beyond a capable age to take a bath in private. We start the bath, full it up with bubbles, and let her play away until she is ready for one of us to scrub her hair. By the time we go in to check to see if she is ready for her hair-wash, she is sitting in her bed already in her pajamas….playing on her new iPad she was gifted for her 7th birthday a few weeks ago.

 

The first few times we let it slide. I don’t even wash my hair every day, I sure as hell wasn’t going to jump on her back for not washing her own.

 

We’ve noticed more and more frequently that she’s been hopping out of the tub long before we even turn the bathtub faucet off.

Finally, last night she admitted to us that she is really scared there’s a chance that sharks can somehow get into the tub with her. We assured her that even though we live within 15 minutes of the beach/ocean, there is no way a shark can come out of the bathtub faucet and land in the tub with her.

‘I would have to physically drive to the beach, catch a shark, drive it back to the house, and put it IN THE TUB with you for that to be even remotely possible. GET IN THE TUB!’ Justin explained.

She jumped in and out in about 3 seconds and it was over…again.

Last night, same shit happens!

We fill the entire tub up with water…at HER request. She jumps in, sits down, stands up, and hops out.

We give her the ‘There are kids in countries who would give anything to have a glass of fresh drinking water and you’re sitting your butt in the tub and hopping out! You are wasting perfectly good water on giving your bottom a nice splash—this is ridiculous!’

So, I sit her down and ask her what the hell is going on. Her response was not at all what I was anticipating:

Smash: What’s going on? Why are you so scared of the bath? There are no sharks in the tub!

Haydan: Yes, it can happen.

Smash: NO! It cannot! Where are you getting your intel, muffin?

Haydan: Siri told me.

Smash: Who is Siri?

Haydan: One of my friends.

Smash: Do you know her from school?

Haydan: No, I met her on my new iPad.

Smash: Ohhhh. Oh, wow. ((kicking myself for not thinking about Siri when approaching parental controls))

Haydan: Siri showed me a video of sharks in a bathtub. It can happen!

Apparently, Haydan has been consulting Siri on many subject lately; including, however, not limited to: ‘Can sharks get into the bathtub?’, ‘Do Barbie’s come to life at night, Siri?’ and even questioning my affinity for dinosaurs…

We sat down and had a little chat with Haydan and explained the workings of Siri. Furthermore, that Siri is a computer and not her friend, regardless of how nice and intelligent she may seem.

Clearly, this went straight over her head because the next thing to come out of her mouth was: ‘So, you are trying to tell me that unicorns are not real?!?!?’

Smash: Yes, that is exactly what I am telling you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Haydan: WELL THEN WHY DID THE UNICORN IN THE VIDEO SAY NEEIIGHHHHH?!?!

Smash: Because it was likely a horse!

Haydan: No, it had a horn.

Smash: Fine, it must have been real. BUT, the sharks in the tub—not real.

I will keep you posted on this debate….right after I figure out how to disable Siri, my daughters new best friend. However, at this point, she is in the lead. Haydan’s entire body has not had a ‘real’ bath in four days. Her bottom? Definitely clean.

Siri, I used to think you offered convenience and some excellent driving directions when my husband was certain he wasn’t lost— but that has largely been outweighed.

You now have my kid thinking that it’s completely possible that sharks could end up in the tub with her, that unicorns are real, and you’ve showed her one too many videos of mermaids that I, too, am beginning to question their reality. However, I refuse to consult you on the mermaid topic to further investiage. We are in a fight that far exceeds a quarrel. This is full-blown, Siri.

You are dead to me, Siri. DEAD TO ME. 

Okay, maybe we just need to re-establish our relationship and draw some clear boundaries. I really do need you in some cases. I might need your help with further set-up of parental controls on the iPad. Also, nearly as important, driving in the car with my husband. You do often come in handy…

Alright, we’ll talk it out…likely the next time I’m trapped in the car with my husband driving to a destination he is certain exists, yet, I’m sure you’ll side with me that it does not.

 

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