I decided that this year I was going to be ON TOP OF IT when it came to Christmas shopping. There would be no more Christmas shopping on December 22, not for this girl! During the crazy that is Black Friday and Cyber Monday, I scanned through my copious amounts of e-mails from every retailer I’ve purchased from and found the best deals & picked up a couple items for Haydan and a few family members.
While scanning, I saw a Baby Alive doll and was immediately taken back to my childhood. I remember feeding Baby Alive all of her packaged food that came in her box on Christmas Day because I just loved cleaning her diapers. (Holy shit, how that would change.)
I asked my mother take me to the store to purchase more Baby Alive ‘food’ but it was ridiculously priced so we decided to go with actual baby food. In the moment, it seemed genius to both my mom and I. My Baby Alive would now poop out green peas which was so much cooler than fake crap that came in Baby Alive’s box and it was also less expensive for my mother.
Fast forward a few months. Baby Alive ended up under my bed and I was quickly over her. My mother started complaining about this awful stench coming from my bedroom. She vacuumed, steam cleaned, washed the linens, but the stench permeated. We finally cleaned out under the bed and there was Baby Alive, a rotten, ol’ green pea mess. Human food ROTS; I rotted my Baby Alive. My mother threw-up and hid in the bathroom for a while. She was upset that I didn’t take better care of my doll and that I let her become a stinky, rotted, green bean casserole.
So now, the tables have turned, and I sit here as an adult who has to buy this crap for her own kid. Yes, crap. All of the shit I looked at during Black Friday/Cyber Monday I could envision just exactly how it would go down. The box is shiny and colorful and looks like SO.MUCH.FUN. You open it, it’s in a billion pieces, and you are left to put that beast together so your kid can play with it for approximately 6 minutes until they, too, realize it is a hunk of garbage and are on to the next.
My new approach has been asking Haydan to write a letter to Santa asking him for ‘really awesome’ clothes, toiletries, and maybe a nice pair of leather boots for her mother. I told her that Santa would be really impressed with her new found maturity. I think I even said ‘How cool would it be if you asked Santa for a school uniform…..and he actually brought you one?! NOW THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!’ She largely disagreed.
Haydan is just at that age where everything she asks for is a complete nightmare. I was actually talked into the Snakeez Cup. You know, the one where you have a drink and a snack in a fucking cup? Yeah, because drinking out of a normal cup and eating a snack out of a ziplock bag is SUPER LAME.
Furthermore, I was also talked into the infomercial detangling brush. The thing sucks.
I miss the Melissa & Doug stage. Their stuff comes in one piece, is manufactured in the USA and actually lasts. My mother bought Haydan a Barbie Motorhome last year and it has given me more stress in my life than a hernia…and I’ve actually had a hernia…
Last year we sponsored a child through World Vision and Haydan was over-the-moon excited about that. She talks about her all the time and asks me questions about what her life is like compared to children’s lives here in the U.S. She confuses Africa with Canada, so if you ask her, we ‘adopted a child from Canada’, but really, we ‘sponsored a child from Rwanda.’ Either way, she got the point and I am thinking that we might just do that again this year. (In addition to a geography lesson or a world globe. Her mother was born in Canada, after all.) She wants to buy a goat for a village, I am down with that idea, too.
Christmas is super fun, regardless. However, it’s a bit more fun to shop for kids under 5-years-of-age. You have complete control over gifts, they don’t know what a Christmas list is, and they don’t watch infomercials. 9 times out of 10, the box is more entertaining than the actual toy. Haydan is at the stage where make-up kits are fun and she has started to ask me questions about mini-skirts. (Kill Me)
I’m going to google ‘Wholesome Wear’ like the Duggars wear and pick her up one of those swim suits…
When buying Christmas gifts for a 7 year old, you are pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place. You don’t want to make Santa look like an asshole, so you actually have to purchase some of that crap on ‘the list’ and suck it up. Accept that the $28.00 Barbie you buy will likely end up in the tub, and the Crayola ‘Make Your Own Crayon Set’ will be a total hit…for about 9 minutes.
I still plan on getting the wholesome-wear swimsuit. Just to make a point…never to ask me about a mini-skirt ever again.
Regardless, Christmas is my favorite holiday for so many reasons. I just felt this was a great time to bitch about my not being able to buy the Melissa and Doug ‘Make Your Own Pizza’ set, the dinosaur quilt I saw online, and the most adorable Christmas dress that I saw on Target’s website. Because apparently, to my 7 year old, I’m not cool. Not at all. Not one, tiny bit.
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