I went to an awesome blogging conference this weekend in Baltimore. I had booked the travel arrangements months in advance so I would get the best deal because, well, you know my love of a deal. And I am cheap. And broke.
I chose my flight, rental car, and hotel through Priceline (BIG MISTAKE) and checked the hotel distance-wise from where the conference was being held. There were a ton of hotels to choose from, but this one seemed closer in proximity to where the conference was being held so I overlooked the one star rating and went ahead and booked it anyways. It was a fucking HOWARD JOHNSON! I have stayed at a plethora of Howard Johnson hotels in my time and I’d say, for the most part, they resemble a Holiday Inn Express. Not a five star resort, sure. However, definitely not the soundstage for a horror film, either.
When my travel buddy (Jill from Ripped Jeans & Bifocals) and I finally arrived to the hotel after traveling for 12 hours, this is what we were met with- “The Murder Inn.” I had never stayed at a Murder Inn, so I thought it would be of service to you all to give you a few pointers should you ever find yourself in this predicament.
So, I present to you: 10 Ways to Recognize you are likely staying at the “Murder Inn”:
1. When you enter the hotel you will, presumably, be staying in, if the hallway is missing baseboards, smells like a mixture of marijuana and incense, and somewhat resembles this, you are likely staying at the “Murder Inn.”
2. When you walk into your room and go to shut and lock the door behind you, and your hotel door seems to be missing a lock, you are likely staying at the “Murder Inn.”
3. Once pondering if you can wedge a chair under the door handle and realizing the temperature of the room is a bit hot and you head to the air conditioning unit and are met with this, you are likely staying at the “Murder Inn.”
4. Upon closer inspection of said air conditioner unit, if it appears it may also serve as a rat family’s home and all of its family’s droppings, you are even more likely to be staying at the “Murder Inn.”
5. When sitting down bedside trying to figure out what the fuck to do and your ass is met with a cigarette burn in your “non-smoking room,” you are likely staying at the “Murder Inn.”
6. When looking to your travel buddy adjacent to you on the other bed, and notice a cigarette burn on their bed too, you are likely staying at the Murder Inn.
7. When glancing down at your bunk-buddy’s bed and catch this suspicious, blood-like stain on the bed skirt, you are likely–no, most definitely, staying at the Murder Inn.
8. When your travel-buddy says “Get up! LET’S GO…NOW!” with the fear of God on her face, and your legs are already scrambling towards the door, you are likely staying at the Murder Inn.
9. When you realize, while running out of the hotel, that you actually CAN run after all the years you’ve told yourself you cannot, you are likely staying at the “Murder Inn.”
10. And lastly, when a sea of police officers (okay, there were 6 of them) do not at all seem surprised by the horror on your face when you tell them all of which you have seen while inside the “Murder Inn,” and furthermore, give you directions to another hotel, you are likely staying at the Murder Inn.
I hope my ten tips will keep you from staying at any Criminal Minds-like horror motels, or, as I like to call them “Murder Inn’s” in the future. Or, you can do yourself a favor and never book a hotel through Priceline ever. Like ever, ever, EVER. Actually, just never ever book anything through them. Also notable, look at the reviews of hotels when purchasing packages.
You can thank me for all my useful tips by clicking the brown banner below. Without me, how would you know what the Murder Inn looks like? EXACTLY! So, give your ol’ pal a vote.